Don't let go, I've wanted this far too long. Mistakes become regrets, I've learned to love abuse. Please show me what I'm looking for.

Being here in Missouri, I've had plenty of time to think about things. Mostly because there isn't much else to do here.



Sadly, the one thing that I've been suppressing for a long time and decided to come to the surface is the fact that my biological clock is ticking and its just getting louder.



But being here isn't going to make that dream become reality.



I want to be able to work and stay here long enough to bank enough to be in a position to move back to Cali and survive there.



The guy that I care about the most ever is still there, and while there is no way that he and I are talking about this....well, let's just say that I have thought about it.

It doesn't help when I speak to my grandmother and she tells me that he greatest hope is that I'll meet a nice man here and get married and start a family. Here in Missouri. Where I don't want to be, but according to her, I 'will get used to it and adjust...' and then I 'won't be upset that this is my home.'

Points well made... I do need to acclimate and make the best of this situation. I'm ready to do that.

But I don't think that I need to find a man here to make me happy and help me adjust. Regardless of the fact that Will and I are together, it just isn't necessary.

Just like when my Uncle Paul says that domestic chores are really meant for women to do. (I'm not dissing him...but that is just an unnecessary comment.)

Just because that's what you believe doesn't make it right.

My grandmother thinks that all I need to do is find a man; fall in love...make him (she used the word "make"), get married and start a family. Then I'll be happy and content here.

Pfffftttt.

Now, I don't disagree with this only because my grandmother said it or because its archaic; no I disagree with it because I've always believed that you are the only person that can make you happy. And falling in love and having that person love you back is a bonus. And it adds to the happiness you already have in your life.

Now, in regards to what I said in the beginning of this blog...this is not the time to focus on that.

Right now is the time for me to focus and buckle down...to step up and be 26 and take charge of my life. I've said that before, and I'm still determined to do just that.

That's a huge plus for me.

And luckily, I have family that loves and supports me. Uncle Paul and Aunt Carolyn are so cool because they understand that even though I don't want to be here, they believe in me enough to know that I will save myself.

And even if I am comfortable enough to leave in a year...that's the way it is. As much as Aunt Carolyn would love me to be in Missouri forever...she knows and supports me desire to return to Cali.

I can't ask for much more than that.

As for now....still applying everywhere and staying optimistic.

And missing San Diego a lot...oh yeah, and Will.

Cause you talk to me like lovers do

*This blog was started on my flight from Denver to Missouri and finished today*

Starting a long distance relationship can seem like a daunting and maybe even a foolish thing to do. The thought had crossed my mind that this day might come when I started dating a Navy guy again. I never really thought that I would be the one leaving.

But already, I can see where the good will come in.

Will and I spoke just after I boarded my plane for St. Louis. He actually held up his end of the conversation. That’s kind of a big deal because he isn’t much of a talker. The first phone call we ever had was filler with a lot of silence…awkward silence. While our talk wasn’t very long, we communicated…which has a different meaning than just talking.

When we talk to each other, we find out the things that are ironic: We both used to frequent the 7-11 on Chase and Jamacha in El Cajon. Or how about that we are both Gulls fans. Or that when we were younger we both used to eat raw bacon. (Ok, maybe I should have kept that one private!) We find humor in the same things, and have the same opinions on how children should be raised.

Our communication came in the form of admitting past transgressions, shared tears when I told him I would have to leave. When he grabs my hand while he’s driving just to touch me or when I give him his special smile. We surprisingly read each other well. He’s able to pick up on my moods and I know when he needs to be handled with care.
We’ve been able to speak on the phone a few times, and it amazes me how much we talk and how long our conversations are.
I talked his ear off the other night about being back and he told me all about getting to Hawaii last night. He sent me a picture of a mural that he saw inside the Exchange in Honolulu, because he knew I would like it. And he was right.

Then there's the non-verbal communication. I've been dealing with that since I got back to Missouri.

I'm living with my Uncle Paul (Poppa's youngest brother), Auntie Carolyn, and my two cousins; best cousin Jena and Jake.

When I was hear before Paul and Carolyn's was a safe haven for me. Coming over gave me the opportunity to get away from my grandparents and avoid the long drive to and from the country for work. Paul and Carolyn were the ones that accepted me fully right from the beginning and welcomed me like they had known me all my life.

And now...I feel as though Paul has something to say to me, but won't spit it out. It feels like everyone is walking on egg shells and I can't help but feel like its my fault.

I don't want to be a burden to them, but they want me here; or so they say. I just feel like Paul is always looking at me or on the flip side is avoiding me at all costs.

This is the kind of animosity that scares me the most. This is part of what my nightmare is.

It doesn't help that I feel like my dad is distancing himself from me...that hurts too.

I'm starting to feel depressed....but just as I wrote that line, Will texted me. He manages to pull me out of my funk and put a smile on my face.

How I wish you were here OR Every time we meet, my heart skips a beat

Dear Will,

The last time I was actually sitting in an airport, I was in Phoenix. I was trying to get back to San Diego. You and I had been up almost all night texting. I remember I had texted you to tell you that I had been thinking about you. And you said the same. It's kinda funny. While I was waiting to to board my plane I told myself to make sure I saw you again and got to know you better. I think I came over that week and we stayed up all night. (Just reminded myself we never finished The Wall...)

I'm not really sure how we ended up spending so much time together, but I don't think I would change it for anything else. I think we did the typical thing people do when they first start dating someone...you spend almost all your time with them. Its not a bad thing, but maybe some distance will be good. Not because either one of us wants to be apart from the other, or because we want to miss each other...but it will give us time to learn that much more about each other.

That sounds like such BS lol.

I have to go to Missouri and do this whole life thing...kinda sucks, but I'm ready to do it. I want to come back a better, more confident person. I hope I will. My dream for several years has been to open my own bakery...maybe I can make that come true. Not there....then I'm stuck there, lol...and nobody wants that. I'm hoping that we try and maybe we make it work. Right now, I think the important thing to focus on is the trying. Everything else will happen naturally.

And since we were so good about taking things slow and not jumping in feet first, we should be fine. =)

I'm so glad that I won those tickets and Johnna jumped at me needing someone to go with. I'm happy that I had to meet a stranger and it turned out to be you.

I miss you already....and that sucks. But I know it will get better. Hopefully, I'll be driving out in a few weeks and we can see each other. Oh, and I'm sorry I was so quiet on the drive this morning...I didn't trust myself to talk to you without crying.

D_O_G misses you too. He says he doesn't want to move to Missouri and wants to visit you. I said we would discuss it.

Take care of yourself. Don go falling down a ladder or stairwell. Be sure to keep up with me...I'll write a lot. And as soon as I get my phone set up and whatnot, you'll get the number.

I don't want to ramble on too much more....don't want you to get bored me when I haven't even left CA!

Talk to you soon.

XOXOXOX
Ausha

Just let me whisper things,You've never heard before.

Last time I wrote about guilt. I also wrote about opening up and trusting people, along with trusting yourself. What happens when you get to the point that you trust someone enough to open up to them, but you still don't trust yourself enough to say the words?

It's amazing how the things that I'm usually insecure about, haven't actually occurred to me since I've been dating Will. The only reason I had that realization is because I'm insecure about other things.

I told (wrote) Will about Chuck and the miscarriage. We haven't talked about it and I'm not in any hurry to bring it up. I feel like what I needed to let him know, I have. If he has any questions or comments he can make them at any time. Its not something we need to discuss; but I'm not taking it off the table either.

I'm trying to be an open book with him. Sharing my shortcomings and dreams. He's been able to open up to me...and I can't tell you how refreshing that is! It's almost like a luxury to be in a relationship with someone that will open up to you and then not retreat back into a shell.

We have had an amazing month. We spent the past weekend in Laughlin with his roommate, Bill and Bill's GF Johnna; who is a long time friend of mine.

Coming back was hard. I received bad news from Barona (where I had been offered a great job) and learned that I needed to move. All on the same day! Tuesday was spent frantically trying to find a place to stash my stuff (Thank you Jennifer!), contacting my family back in Missouri, and trying to find a place to crash for a few days (still working on that one!).

Telling Will that I would have to leave for real this time was worse than before. Before we were new. Still learning about each other and getting used to being with someone. Now, after spending every possible moment we can together....its understandably rough.

We cried and held each other. If I know him at all, the same things I was thinking were running through his head too.

When will I come back?
Why now?
Can we handle long distance?
How soon will we see each other?
Why now?
Isn't there any way to change this?

That was the bulk of my thoughts yesterday, among other things.

For those of you that know me, I tend to laugh things off and try to use my gift of sarcasm to lighten my burden. I keep making jokes about how there's nothing to do in Missouri. About how small the town is and how we don't even have a Starbucks!

All joking aside...I think we're both devastated.

We're both aware of how difficult long distance relationships can be. He's in the Navy, I've been utterly associated with it.

Over the weekend he said that he didn't like long distance relationships. Hearing that didn't really affect me until Tuesday. When I told him my series of unfortunate events, I capped it off with "And you don't do long distance relationships. So yay for me.".

Luckily, Will just rolled his eyes and hugged me. He had to explain to the crying blonde (go figure) that the last one he was in didn't work out. That we would try, that we could and would make it work.

His orders will change in about a year and he will go back on a boat for about 18 months. And then after another 6 he'll be done.

I only want to be in Missouri for a year. 18 months tops. And if that means that I work and do nothing but work...so be it.

I'm all for admitting that I can't do this here in San Diego. I'm willing to take a step back and be an adult and take charge of being responsible for my own life. And if moving back to Missouri and sticking with a plan of action is the way to accomplish all that, then that's what I'll do.

For right now, I'm enjoying the last few days and nights that Will is on leave. Also trying to find a spare couch that can host me after Sunday so I have someplace safe to be until I can leave next week.

Trying to remain positive. Trying to get plenty of rest and time with the people that come to mean so much to me in such a short amount of time, and trying not to panic.

I think if I can figure out the harder stuff....everything else will hopefully start to fall into place.

What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise, For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins...

Guilt is a fascinating emotion.

Webster's definition: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/guilt

I think many different points in every one's life, guilt has been an overriding emotion. Guilt for a white told to a friend to spare their feelings to outright deceiving someone intentionally.

Lies are not the only form a deceit. I personally am a believer that omission of facts is the same as lying. I also believe that most people can't handle the truth...even when they say they can.

This entry today isn't me coming clean about anything. Frankly, I have nothing to come clean about. But over the last few weeks, I've been having some...thought provoking conversations with a person that I once thought of as my best friend.

While I still consider this person a friend, I unfortunately cannot see them the same way.

That's not the point, the point is...playing devil's advocate with people that you have been intimately acquainted with is a dangerous game.

I'm dating a guy that I honestly feel like I can talk to and be open with...but it's still new enough that there are so many issues(UGH) or subjects that aren't really appropriate yet.

How and when do you determine when to let someone go a confidant (I use that term very liberally) and learning to entrust someone new.

And isn't it all about learning to trust yourself too? I think I've come to learn that a big factor in trusting another is being able to trust yourself.

But how do you trust yourself when you deal with guilt? Or, worse yet...how do you trust yourself when you don't feel guilt?

While every one deals with guilt...I think there is an equal amount of time when we don't feel guilty...even though we know deep down whatever we said or did was wrong.

My biggest issue that I have right now in my personal life is realizing that I trust myself enough to let someone in all the way. How do I know that when I open up and begin to explain things that have happened to me or things that I have experienced that I won't be rejected. Or not rejected, but looked upon with pity or remorse.

I don't want or need anyone else's pity. Its just not necessary.

Mistakes and guilt tend to go hand in hand. Should I feel guilt for the mistakes that I have made in my life? No. Mostly because I don't see mistakes, I see learning experiences.

I will not allow myself to be judged by the things that have been blips in my timeline...not all of them define me. In fact, a huge portion of them do not.

Too many times we let things in our past hold us back. They keep us from living life to its fullest, giving people and relationships a chance, and being the best version of ourselves that we want.

I only want a few things in my life: to be happy, to be successful, that my friends and family are happy and content. I want to eventually open my own bakery, to eventually get married and have the option of having children. Those are things that I want for my life. Those are the things most people want for their lives.

So, how do I bring myself up to the point where I let the someone special know that I want to let them in. When is it OK to become so trusting of myself and them?

Too many conversations and too little sleep makes for some rough feelings and a lot of confusion.

I ain't saying I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it.

I don't have much to say in this blog, even though its been a few weeks since my last post.

I have a boyfriend who is amazing. I can laugh with him, he teaches me things, and we can laugh at ourselves with each other. I had a really nice birthday dinner with a dear friend of mine, and got to spend the holiday weekend with family.

What more could a girl ask for?

There is a song that has been stuck in my brain for several days and I want to share a portion of it with whomever reads this.

I know these corners, I know these streets
Curbside prophets, they're yelling at me.
He can save my soul for a drink and dollar.

Yeah, he's yelling about my tattoos,
We all live with the scars we choose.
They might hurt like hell,
But they all make us stronger.

If you want it, come and get it.
If you want it, come and get it.
You'll understand, Take me as I am.

Slow to trust, but I'm quick to love,
I push too hard, and I give too much.
I ain't sayin' I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it.

Take Me As I am by Sugarland

When you smile at me you know exactly what you do

So, as the deadline approaches for me to leave San Diego I can't help but feel like I'm supposed to be here.

Friends and loved ones are constantly telling me to do what makes me happy. Whereas before people were telling me to leave/come home.

I'm so confused and conflicted.

I have a few interviews this week, and if one of them works out and I get a job, that'll be great.

I still won't have a place to stay after July 5Th. That sucks. But easily figured out.

I'm reconnecting with old friends and enjoying every minute of it. I'm getting back into Job's Daughters and really enjoying that.

I'm spending time getting to know Will. A whole weekend getting to know him. Spending time with him not doing anything except talking and laughing and actually learning a lot about myself in the process.

I like him...even if he does remind me of Jafar from Aladdin.

I think he likes me. My friend Johnna says he does.

We spent the weekend lounging and watching movies. Talking and laughing. Being complete dorks with each other enjoying the silence. (Most of the time)

I don't want to stay and burden my friends.

I don't want to stay for the wrong reasons, like a guy that I barely know and have little time to get to know.

But I hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE wondering "What if?".

What if I leave and I wind up unhappy in Missouri again?

What if I leave and I get offered a great job here in SD?

What if....anything with Will?

There's a reason that's my last question.

I won't make this decision for anyone else or because of anyone else.

I want to stay here. I'm doing everything that I can in order to make sure that I do.

I'm turning 26 in about 2 weeks...what do I have to show for it?

I'm not sure how to answer that, but I do know that my little stuffed D_O_G and I are going to sleep and hopefully answers and solutions will come tomorrow.

His dark eyes dared me with danger, and sparks fly like flame to a paper

I don't even know where to start.

Maybe at the beginning...

I met someone. Someone really great. Someone I really like and end up being all giddy around. (Think middle school girl giddy.)

We went to the fair last Saturday, before I flew to Phoenix and just had a great time. We held hands and kissed when he dropped me off.

While I was in Phoenix, I met up with an old friend of mine. We went out for a drink and there was some flirting. He took me to see his new house that he had just bought and he kissed me.

I started crying and told him all about this guy. Luckily, we're good friends and he completely understood. He even thought I was cute because I was so twitterpated.

I ended up calling Erik. When you're with someone so consistently for so long, you become close and I had to share this with someone.

Was he the best choice? Maybe not, but he was the first person I thought of.

And that could be why I'm so confused right now.

When I got home to San Diego, Erik began texting me. The first one was simple, that he just wanted to give me a hug. Because he missed me.

Again, when you're with someone almost every day for a few months, you're going to miss them.

That I can deal with. But the rest, I don't know...

He told me that he doesn't want me to leave. He wants to be with me. Even, that he know we have things to talk about and he's willing to do the talking.

What the hell?

I asked Erik a few weeks ago to give us another chance. Why? I must be a glutton for punishment.

Don't ask me to explain why I would want to be with someone that hurt me and cheated on me, because I can't explain it.

That was a few weeks ago. That was before I met Will.

Every time I text with Will or talk to him, I grin and blush and get butterflies in my stomach.

Every time Erik says he loves me and wants to give us a chance and make it work...I grin and get butterflies in my stomach.

I don't like feeling like this; so torn between the known and the unknown.

I want to get to know Will better. I want to date someone before I just jump into a relationship. I like knowing and believing that he's a good guy. Maybe a little shy and maybe a little dorky, but so am I.

I really like that.

Then there's Erik.

Good old dependable Erik. I think when its convenient for him.

I think the whole ideas of: Me moving back to Missouri or getting a job and moving to Phoenix or... a new guy in my life. The prospect of not always being available to him got him thinking.

His words to me were: "I don't want to be the guy that didn't take a chance and missed out on something amazing."

Holy crap.

I don't know what to do. I want to stay in California if I can.

I don't want to stay for either guy. I want to stay because I love it here.

Do I get a bonus of getting to know Will better by staying here? Yes.

Do I get to see if Erik actually wants to give it a chance? I could, but I'm not sure I will.

This is not a situation I've been in before. It's new to me and I do not like it.

Regrets, I've had a few. But then again too few to mention.

I never in a million years thought that I would be saying these words, but here we go...


I'm going home. To Missouri.

My family is there, and I'm getting to an age where I've realized that I've put my friends before my family; a regret that I'm having now.

I used to say that I never have regrets, but that I learn from everything.

While I have learned from this...I also regret it.

I came back to California on a whim of hope, as someone dear to me said recently, and I regret not thinking things through.

I regret not planning and for not looking further than the end of my nose. (My mother would be impressed that I can admit to that.)

I regret not talking to my family and telling them that I was so unhappy. I regret thinking that someone else would make me happy.

Going home to open arms and a world full of love is apparently what I need.

Was I happy in Missouri? Not really. But I did have an awesome support system of my dad, and family that I was just getting to know.

Did I give it the chance it deserved? Not really. But I threw myself into a situation where I was depressed and didn't want to feel at home there or make myself happy.

I don't know that going back is the best decision, but coming back was a mistake.

I did it for the wrong reasons and had too many expectations for what moving back to San Diego would have in store for me.

I've got some things to take care of before I can go back. I have to say that I really want to stay in California, but with no job and not enough money saved up, that just isn't a possibility.

Swallow my doubt, turn it inside out, Find nothing but faith in nothing. Want to put my tender heart in a blender...

Interesting session with Dr. Crazy this morning. I told him all about the Balboa Park adventures (see previous blog).

My homework....Talk to Erik. Get a firm definition of what the hell is going on. Either one that is in actuality what we are or what we can agree to be.

And I'm not supposed to comeback to see Crazy until I do this. So...I think its time to find a new therapist.

I'm joking...OK, half way joking.

OK, I'm dead serious.

It's just not going to happen. I just can't make it happen. Sadly, I say that because I know he won't talk about it and I'll only talk about it over text...which he doesn't respond to.

Crazy did give me a talking to this morning also.

He told me that I know exactly what my problem is, but I refuse to admit it. (Duh.) And that I'm too smart to be here talking to some stranger when I could just be talking to people that care about me.

Also, that maybe I should consider going back to school and becoming a psychologist.

I laughed out loud there for at least 30 seconds. He said because I can easily identify what other people's problems are, and the fact that I'm compassionate and only want people to better themselves that it would be great for me.

I don't think I want to go back to school for another 5-10 years.

Sigh.

So, yesterday was an interesting day. Erik and I barely spoke all day. No touching, no hugging. Nothing. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I didn't take my Prozac, so I know that had something to with it. It felt like we couldn't stand to be around each other. At all.

When I got home this morning it was a completely different story. He was talking to me about his doctor and then telling me a story about his brother and then us laughing together at him acting like a retard (no offense) and us hugging and laughing.

Again; I. DO. NOT. GET. IT.

I just want to lay around today and watch movies and play video games and have a great lazy day with him.

I don't if that's possible...or what today holds for us.

But I think a talk might actually be in store. I hate being in limbo; and if I'm going to waste my time with him, I want to know specifically how I'm doing it.

Oh, why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind...

I didn't take me Prozac today...I feel like crap.

Yesterday was an interesting day. I went to Balboa park with a couple of friends. Seems pretty normal right? Heh...wrong.

The plan was to go with my friend Brad. Brad and I have known each other for about 4/5 years. You could say that we dated somewhere in that time. We have remained friends and still hang out quite a bit.

Yesterday, he came to pick me up and Erik was walking out to go to the DMV. Instead of Brad and I going our merry way, he decides we need to convince Erik to come with us...after going to the DMV of course.

Erik, to my utter astonishment, agreed. This should have been the point where I just backed away slowly and not gone anywhere with both of them.

But, me the smartest person ever born, went along with it. Does anybody know how awkward it is to be hanging out with 2 people you've slept with? EXTREMELY!

Because Erik is a giant, he sat in the front of Brad's tiny Civic and Brad actually let me drive. I was excited because it was a stick and I haven't driven one in SO long.

The boys are acting like boys and are picking on me the entire time I'm driving us down to the park.

Once we get there, Erik gives me a hug to make up for teasing me. Brad notices.

How do I know that, you might ask? Brad kept a tally.

He is a psych major and reads people like a freaking book! It drives me batty sometimes, but I love it about him!

So, over the course of the day Brad counted numerous hugs, one case of hand holding, and a bunch of times where Erik would apparently not let me out of his sight.

I guess that wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that we are now supposed to be 'just friends'.

So, we have a great day. Brad drives us back up to Esco, I passed out in the back seat. We get to the apartment and Erik invites Brad inside. Again, no big deal.

Erik goes to check the mail and Brad is on the patio for a smoke. I'm standing outside with him and he says to me, "You guys are totally dating."

I haven't told Brad anything about what's been going on with between Erik and me. I just didn't want to discuss it with him.

When Brad was leaving he hugged me...like we ALWAYS do and He and I both saw Erik's jaw clench. It was almost funny.

I decided to go to the store and I also had to pick up a croc-pot from Erik's mom. I was getting ready to leave and Erik pulled me down on the couch and kissed me. Like, really kissed me.

I didn't know what to do...I just kissed him back.

I left and saw I had a missed call from Brad. I called him back and he proceeded to explain to me how it was that I was dating Erik and we didn't realize it.

I'd like to think that a lot of it is just our friendship and consideration for each other.

Apparently, it's deeper than that. As Brad described it...we make concessions for each other. Erik doesn't like cucumbers or tomatoes in his salad, so I ate them off his plate for him. We got stuck in an elevator and I have a problem with small spaces, so he put his arm around me and kept me distracted.

Plus a bunch of other tiny things.

Now, Brad is not jealous. One, he just isn't that guy; and tow, we aren't like that anymore.

After I got done talking to him and running my errands...Erik was all over me the whole night.

I. DO. NOT. GET. IT.

I think we are so comfortable with each other (even with all the "awkwardness" and the other crap) that we just naturally act like that with each other.

Last night, and don't ask me why, I sent Erik a text that said "Give us a chance." Not a question or even a request...you could call it a demand.

Did he text back? Nope. Did he bring it up? Double Nope.

I guess that should tell me something.

As of right now, he is with his butt of a brother. I can barely stand that guy. And if I know Erik, and I do, He is probably complaining about me and telling his brother how I read the text messages in his phone last week.

I don't care. I'm tired and I'm going to sleep soon.

Blinded misguided in the arms of love, just 'cause it suited the both of us...

(My Biggest Mistake by Delat Goodrem)


This is going to be by far my girliest blog...also, probably the most whiny.

I can't help it.

Let me see if I can break this down in a clear and concise way. Here we go...

7 years ago I met Erik. We used to hang out and got to be friends. I always kind of had a crush on him, but because of my fear of rejection...I never pursued it.

We lost touch for a while and then 3 years ago we got back in touch and hung out some more. We spent a New Year's together one year.

Then of course, we drifted. He did his thing; I did mine.

We recently got back to talking while I was still in Missouri. I made a comment at some point asking why we had never dated. We talked about it, and decided that when I came back...either to visit or when I moved back we would give it try.

Honestly, things escalated as much as they could with us being 2000 miles apart and he told me that I was the only one he wanted and he would wait for me.

When I made the decision to move back, albeit hastily, he told me to come move in with him until things got figured out. He told me he didn't care about anything else, and I shouldn't feel weird because he just wanted to be with me.

AWWWWW. We can all agree that that is freaking adorable.

Reality check.

A month ago (exactly) Erik suggested that I go out and see some friends...have some fun. He told me he was going to hang out with his brother and some friends.

Great idea. We'd been a lottle wrapped up in each other basically since I moved back. (Lottle is not a typo...I like to make up words. Deal with it!)

I mad plans. A friend and I went out, had dinner and were heading to play laser tag in San Diego when his brother called him telling him that he was about to be an Uncle. Of course he was going to take me home and go to the hospital. I don't blame him for that.

I came home to find Erik, surprsingly, asleep on the couch. I told him what had happened, but I was having such a good time seeing friends that I was going back out.

He gotin the shower while I was waiting to get picked up. I left and a girlfriend and I went to get a drink. We decide we want to go dancing...but there really isn't anywhere to dance in Escondido.

No problem, we'll go downtown. I want to go home and change my shoes. (I had on my trainers.)

I unlock the door and walk in to a dark aparmtment, but thinkI hear something. I'm trying to adjust to the darkness when some girl walks out of the bedroom and then immediately back in.
I hear her say, "She's back." And then a lot of rustling around.

I don't even know what to do, so I slam the door shut behind me and go to my friends car.

I tell her what just happened and to just wait a few minutes until I figure something out. She agrees and tells me to pack a bag and come stay at her place for the night.

As I'm walking back to the apartment, I see her walking out. She's power walking and texting. I assume it was with Erik. I walk up to where the corner of the patio is and Erik walks out.

"What's up?" he asks. "I just came to get a different pair of shoes. What's going on?" I respond
"Nothing." Cue my eye roll. "Really?" I ask. "I'm sorry." (Note: the apology came out more like a question mixed with annoyance at having to say it.) "Sorry for what?" "Nothing happened." He says. "If nothing happend, why did you apologize?" I think its a great question.

There on the porch he tells me that yes, they've slept together in the past. And no, nothing happened...but that was basically the plan.

Then he wants to go inside and talk about it. I go willingly, because I assume it's going to be good.

He tells me that he doesn't understand why he cheats on all of his girlfriends. (Wow, did not know that about him.) He just isn't happy and maybe we moved way too fast. (That part I can agree with 100%)

It should be noted that I got misty eyed, but a tear never fell. Not until later. I said I didn't understand why he didn't just say something.

I can be the most understanding person, to a fault. I literally have had people tell me its my best and worst quality. I say you should have just told me you weren't happy. Frankly, I don't care if you want to sleep (Used a much cruder word here) with other people, you should have said something. I would have understood.

I also told him that while yes, I was hurt, I wasn't surprised. I then proceeded to tell him that every man I have been with in my adult years...and hell, even TJ in high school, has cheated on me.

I explain to him that I must give off some vibe that makes guys want to stray. He hugs me ( I barely hugged back) and tells me that its not me, because I'm blah blah blah.

I tell him I need a minute. I go outside and tell my gf that I'm going to stay. I need to talk this out; that this isn't something I can walk away from. This is the sort of confrontation I avoid, and frankly there's no better time than the present to deal with it.

I go back in and we don't really talk about it much anymore. I try to talk to him about why he's unhappy. We both smoke a cigarette and then I go take a shower because I feel dirty.
(He probably texted the hoe while I was doing that. Who knows?)

We sit down to watch a movie. I sit next to him and he wraps his arm around me, but I can't relax. I'm pretty sure I blacked out halfway through the movie because I didn't understand where the plot had gone. That was when I realized I had been crying the whole time.

He's apologizing profusly, which is great, but it never felt sincere. We go to bed. Wrapped up in each other all night long. We get up in the morning and what happens?

He tried ot have wake up time morning sex with me! To his credit, I think he was trying to "make love" to me, but I just wasn't having it.

However, we ended up in the shower together and things got heated and like they say in Mamma Mia: dot dot dot.

We gon on for a few days. He knows I'm more disappointed than anything. I know he's regretful, but I can't seem to get past the notion that it wouldn't have phased him had I not found out.

Now here we are, supposedly in an "open realtionship" that I hate. Mostly because I know I'm better than this.

Another issue I have is that I know he's texting other girls. How do I know this you ask?

I'm not a fucking idiot. You want to text someone, but you turn the volume all the way down...so much that it doesn't even vibrate? When you're in a completely different room? No.

I have enough experience with cheaters and cell phones to know and recognize the signs. I asked him for one thing: Not to have sex with anyone else while I was still living with him.

I have no idea if he's adhered to that. He promised me he would, but he also told me he wanted to be with me. Go figure why I'm not sure how to feel about it.

The biggest problem is that he's so damn great all the rest of the time! We have good times together. He's always there trying to get me to talk to him, even when I don't want to. He genuinely cares about how I'm doing and how my day was.

He's charming and funny, which for me is a big deal. He's a great guy, just a little lost.

And I still have feelings for him. I can't get past it. I see so much good and potential in him to be even more amazing than he already is! If he wold believe me and all his friends when we tell him this, maybe he would have the courage to do more!

So, this is the hell that I've basically been living in for the last, jesus, almost 2 months. I can't bring myself to just say that I'm through with him and I can't bring myself to hash out the rest of it.

I can apparently text him and tell him how much I care about him. But, then not bring it up when we both agree we need to talk about it.

I'm a freaking winner. I feel like shit because I have other things that I should be focusing on, but this "incident" or "awkwardness" as we generally refer to it, is still plaguing me.

How in the world can the words that I said send somebody so over the edge

You know the saying "Woke up with a smile in my face and a song in my heart"?

Well, I woke up with a hang over and a song lyric running through my brain on repeat...damn iTunes.

I didn't blog for 2 days...I also haven't taken my Prozac for 2 days. Not because of any specific reason. Mostly, I just forgot to take it on Wednesday. Then I thought, "Oh, well...I made it through a day without it...I won't take it today (Thursday)." Bad idea.

It's not that it makes me happy or something, but it cuts through a lot of my anxiety thus making it easier to communicate.

Are we grasping the correlation between that and not blogging? Me too.

Then on top of it...I drank a lot last night. By a lot, it was certainly more than I've had recently and more than I would usually drink.

Anyway...on to Crazy.

I pretty much led our session today. By that I mean, he asked one question and I proceeded to talk nonstop for the next 50 minutes.

What could possible have been the question that was asked that would cause me to monopolize the time with crazy?

"What is your biggest fear?"

Oh crap. It was officially time to get real and stop dicking around.

...........................

Herein lies my problem.

My goal is to start opening up to my friends and letting them help me 'lighten my burden' or some other crap like that.

As I've said before, you get me talking about something that I'm interested in or know a lot about, and I won't shut up.

I go and have coffee or sit down with a friend of mine and I clam up. Why, you ask?

Rejection.

The Webster's definition for the word Reject: to refuse to accept, consider, submit to, or use. It's a transformative verb. Exciting, huh?

I talked this morning all about how it is incredibly easy for me to open up to people I've just met...and ridiculously difficult to open up to people I know and am close with.

Here's the biggest reason, and once I explain it...you would think it will make talking to you all in person easier. But I doubt it.

The probability of seeing someone that I just met again is so minimal, that even if I spill my guts and tell them my life story, they can never use it against me later on.

However, if I tell my entire life story to say, someone I've known for 20 years...they will always have that information and have the ability to use it against me later on and hurt me.

I can't take that chance...and I haven't.

Do I honestly not trust my friends enough to talk to them and believe that they won't use my past indiscretions or past hurts to potentially hurt me again?

Apparently not. I'm sorry.

Well, only a little.

Crazy told me that my fear is completely unjustified and irrational.

I disagree. I've been close to plenty of people that I ended up opening up to, only to have them hurt me and destroy what I thought was a close friendship.

I won't do that to myself again.

People can argue, Crazy certainly did, that those weren't healthy relationships and I'm better off without them in my life and such.

True. I can absolutely agree with that.

But where is our breaking point before we're 'better off'? Why do we have to be hurt or have some bad experience to then be better off?

I don't understand.

Crazy couldn't explain it to me either.

But of course he gave me some homework.

Confide in three different people this weekend. And tell each of them something different.

And trust that they will only be supportive and understanding and accept me for who I am.

Jeez.

Never knowin' if there's solid ground below, or a hand to hold or hell to pay

Well, I made it through a second session. The shrink almost didn't, but I think he understands why.

I apparently spent a lot of time today avoiding two important topics that plague my psyche.

One is my self worth. Surprise, surprise, I feel as if I have none.

The other is January of last year. We'll get to that in a minute.

I mentioned to Dr. Edwards (hereafter known as Crazy) that a lot of you, my friends and family, had written me notes of concern and love. his first piece of homework for me was to write down all the lovely things you all said and keep them with me. Then, if I come to a point where I feel like crap, helpless, or hopeless...I can take out your words and read them and know that people think I'm better than all that.

Great idea. I keep a notebook with me wherever I go. I use it mostly for when I get a story idea, or a break in the writers block and I'll write a few pages that I can later transcribe into my stories. I like to keep it especially if I run across an amazing quote somewhere...I've been doing this for years.

I like this idea. One reason; I have a terrible memory and have trouble remembering conversations from a week ago, let alone things people tell me. especially when I'm in an emotional state and spending a lot of time crying and reading with blurry eyes.

I think that having your words with me will help for those times when, I don't know, someone insults me or I have a nothing fight with someone I'm close to.

Great idea, Crazy. I like it.

When I got home from my session, I logged into my email and Facebook to copy some of this down. That's when I saw a new message from a friend of mine.

I hope she doesn't mind that I'm going to write about her. I probably should have asked her beforehand, but since she subscribes to my blog, and I don't plan on saying anything negative, I think she'll be OK with it.

She's married to my best friend and she and I went to school together. I was lucky enough to get to know her from a distance during school, and I felt got to know her better through my friendship with her now hubby.

She and I were never exceptionally close. Something I had always wanted to change. I have a problem with girls. Because of the way I see things, the way I view society and gender roles, I just get along better with boys. It's always been a blessing and a curse.

The boys always see me as nothing more than 'one of the guys' and the girls usually hate me because I know more about their boyfriends than they do.

Luckily this is not the case here.

I've gotten off on a tangent from my original story.

She expressed to me her concern and proceeded to explain to me that she had felt jealous of me. Apparently as recently as this last weekend. Jealous because of what she saw in me and the way I treated life. Jealous of a nothing high school relationship, jealous of my wit (I'll give her that one...I'm hilarious), jealous of the potential I suppose she thought I possessed.

I don't want to get into specifics, and I really hope that she isn't upset with me after she reads this blog.

While, I absolutely did not have my finest moment this weekend, I'm ashamed to admit that I had another after reading her email.

I felt pride at someone elses negative feelings. Telling someone that you have been jealous of them in the past gives them a sort of power. Not that I would ever exercise that over her, but I felt it all the same.

When I responded I tried my best to as honest as possible with her. I hope she understood what I was saying.

I confessed to her that when she began dating my friend, that I was jealous of her. Not because I wanted to be with him, but because I saw in him what he's proven to anyone that knows him.

He is amazing and probably one of the last truly good men out there. When I saw them grow closer, I knew...just knew in my heart that they were the end. What I mean by that is, they were the end for each other...and the beginning. I had been waiting for the wedding invitation for years.

Needless to say, her confessions will not be going into my notebook. Not because I didn't, I guess appreciate is the right word, but because I don't need that. What I will include is her love and support that offered to me. Her friendship from across the country to a girl that she knows very little of...that's what I'm taking from that.

You know who you are...and I love you. Regardless of how close we are or not. In my book, you are an important person to me.

OK, on to the second task. The one that almost cost Crazy his life. (Not really. But I didn't speak for 10 minutes and just stared at him.)

He wants for me to talk to Chuck face to face about what happened. The miscarriage. The Thing We Never Speak Of.

It sounds like a Sci fi movie from the 1950's.

He thinks that because we, or I specifically never sought counseling, that all the emotions and feelings I'm holding onto are making it difficult for me to "grow" or move on.

I don't like this for several reasons. Numero Uno being that we have never talked about it. Sure, we talked about what happened and what procedure I would have to have. But we just let it sit in the corner and never looked at it or gave it the attention it really deserved.

Reason B: It was a year ago. I almost feel that talking about it now would just be overkill. Aside from the fact that we never discussed it. (See above.)

Lastly: I'm not sure I really want to incorporate Chuck into this "healing process". I used Chuck as crutch in a lot of different ways, but this is something I feel I need to do without him.

A part of me feels like there is no point in us talking about this, because it won't change anything between us. Another part of me feels like if we never talk about it, its going to eat me up inside.

Regardless, I'm not ready to do it. I'm not ready to approach him and TELL him that we need to talk about it.

As of right now, its just not going to happen.

The Prozac adds to my insomnia...so that's awesome. I took it when I got up at 6:30 this morning, so hopefully I won't be up until 3am tonight.

I'm Falling to Pieces

The original title for this blog was going to be "Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say", but after speaking with a therapist today, I realize that my apologizing would be for the wrong reasons.

I shouldn't have to apologize for the feelings that I have...but I should apologize for refusing to talk to anyone. For that I am sorry.

I like to think that I'm usually the one that listens...that when you need a friend, I'm the one you turn to. My best friend from high school used to refer to me as his 'shrink'. He called me that as recently as 3 weeks ago.

That's a hard title...even if it is in jest. I have often been the voice of reason and comfort.

But I refused to seek out my friends to turn the tables. To cry on their shoulders, to have them help me lift my burdens.

I feel like an idiot and humiliated. Let me break down my Saturday for you...

Sent a suicide note to several people on FB. My dear friend JD blew up my phone trying to get me to talk to him, which I started to do.

Tiffany Goodrick showed up on my doorstep and cried with me, prayed for me and loved me. She then kidnapped me to the beach where we walked and talked. I got to have an interesting dinner with her and Rusty and then I came home. I also made plans to go to church the next day with Tiffany.

I took a shower and was trying to relax. I was ignoring phone calls and texts. Erik tried talking to me, but I wouldn't open up to him. Mostly because he just doesn't listen. I love that guy to death, but he's the worst person to talk to. I think it must be the ADD. But I digress...

Just as I was getting ready to go to bed, the police showed up and Erik pushed me out of the door. I was taken to Palomar Hospital and involuntarily admitted.

At that point I was just upset because a suicidal person wouldn't have made plans...and I wasn't feeling suicidal. Several hours later, I was taken up to the Mental Health Facility.

As some of you know...I'm quiet. I'm generally a homebody and somewhat of a loner. I prefer to be alone.

However, I love to be around people and have fun. If you get me talking about a subject that I'm passionate about, I won't shut up.

The doctor on call there came to speak to me and she wasn't sure if she would release me. The more we discussed my feelings, the quicker she was to determine that this is situational depression.

Webmd.com describes situational depression as: “a short term condition that occurs when a person is unable to cope with, or adjust to, a particular source of stress, such as a major life change, loss or event."

Let's see if we can break this down.

January 2009, I miscarried. I never sought counseling. Chuck and I act as if it never happened.
In October of that year, we broke up. Ending a year+ relationship and basically ending an almost 3 year friendship. November I moved to Missouri, where I lived with grandparents that I never knew and family that I had never met.

Let's jump to March 2010; I left Missouri without as much as a goodbye. I came back to California and proceeded to not get a job that I had basically been assured I was guaranteed. I started dating someone who proceeded to cheat on me, thus solidifying my opinion that it has to be me, because they all have before. And I learned that my body is no longer producing eggs...which means that the 7% chance I was clinging to is now gone.

I was feeling...I am feeling as though my friends have moved on. People are getting married, having kids, excelling in their careers. I'm at a complete standstill.

All of that compiled on top of each other is hard to come to terms with. Not talking to anyone about it makes it worse.

Chuck can tell you specifically that I keep everything bottled up inside and then when it’s practically bursting out of me, that is when I open up.

Instead of letting myself go when I can't hold it anymore, I just continued to cram it all down and ignore it.

When I spoke to the therapist today he told me that I spoke of how awesome my friends were. How I try to only surround myself with people that I like and create positive energy.

Blah.

He also told me that if I think so highly of all these people, then I should be considerate enough to talk to them.

I’m not sure that it’s consideration that I should have to speak to others. I think it really comes down to trust.
I do not trust easily. Period.
Even with people that I have known for 22 years (Tiffany)…I still have issues.
I’m pretty sure I know where those issues stem from, but I don’t need to tell you all everything on here.
I just know that I will continue to take the Prozac that was prescribed, because it breaks down the anxious feelings that I have and then makes me want to talk, without the fear and stress of being rejected.
I can say that I know that I will continue to see this guy. Personally, I think he’s a little kooky, but maybe it’ll be like the crazy helping the crazy.
No, I don’t think I’m crazy. I think I’m depressed. I think I let past hurts affect how I live my life in the present. Not a good deal.
Moving on and learning to open up and trust people is a goal. Being happy has been a life goal.
I think I need to start smaller. Getting over all the stress and other issues first may lead to happiness.
Mostly, I’m embarrassed. Going from point A where I’m sad to point Q where I’m sending letters and contemplating which knife to use and how much to drink beforehand so it kills some of the pain is not me.
As one friend pointed out to me: I’m great. I helped him when he needed a friend and support. I have a lot to offer people and I should realize that I have a purpose.
I’m sorry that I worried and scared a lot of you…I was worried and scared myself. I have never felt so out of control before.
I thought that would be the one thing I could control, but apparently I can control my life.
At least that’s what I’m trying to believe.

That's it, I quit, I'm moving on

This may seem extreme, ridiculous and unnecessary...but that fact is that I'm not making this decision lightly.

In my lifetime, I've been lucky enough to experience some things that some people never get to do. I have been able to travel and get some fantastic education. Meet incredible people and have some amazing times.

I've loved some amazing people and been loved by a few that were just as awesome.

There have been some hard blows dealt to me...I've had health problems aplenty. From my heart to my lady insides; the amount of procedures I've had rival a lot of athletes.

Dealing now with the realization that my body has stopped producing eggs and my chances of being a mother are now non-existent.

Those are all things that I can deal with.

What I can't deal with the idea of the unknown. Of not having control over the last moments of my life.

Never, ever would I have thought that I would be saying this...but deciding to end my own life...in a manner that I choose...at a time that I choose has never seemed more appealing.

It is one of the most selfish things that a person can do; not thinking about the impact that it will have on the people left behind. the stigma that family members feel when others realize that their loved one killed themselves.

Not to mention the mess.

Not just the physical, because if we know anything about suicide its that women usually slits their wrists; but also, if we have learned anything from CSI...we know what our bodies do when we finally stop breathing and our hearts stop beating.

It's also the mess of what comes next.

What about all the loose ends?

I'll make sure that their aren't any.

I have a plan for everything. As many of you have heard me say: "A place for everything and everything in it's place".

This is not a cry for help or attention. I get enough of the latter.

This is...what it is.

She won't let you fly, but she mightlet you sing

I debated whether or not I would blog on Mother's Day. As many of you know I tend to rant and ramble and my blogs are generally filled with tangents. But I think its important to put this out here and be done with it.

I love my mother. There I said it...I didn't die. I'm not bursting into flames, and I'm pretty sure that hell didn't just freeze over.

My mom and I have a difficult realtionship. We always have. She was extrememly over-protective and kept me very sheltered. I had a really nasty attitude between the ages of about 12 and 19. I was a smart-ass and I never hesitated to act like an ungrateful child.

At almost 26 years old, I can see where I was a difficult child. I'm also aware if my mom's shortcomings.

Constantly needing to be in control of your grown child is her biggest.

We both have many more, but the fact of the matter is we don't get along.

She thinks that I'm a problem child...that everything I do is wrong or somehow 'evil'.

I think she's still being over-protective and wants to control my life.

I have always hoped that we would meet each other in some middle ground, but as the years progress I doubt it will ever happen.

In January of 2009 I miscarried...I was devastated. I fully understood how my mother must have felt before she had me.

Having a baby is next to impossible for me, and having it ripped away broke me in two. I wanted my mommy to be there for me. But I also needed to be alone with my thoughts and Chuck and I needed to deal with it together.

My biggest issue with my mom is that I feel like she doesn't know when enough is enough. Calling and texting me constantly doesn't actually make me want to talk to you more.

I know that I'm bad with returning phone calls, but are you kidding?

My mother took me to church when I was 4 and we attended until I was at least 19. I grew up in the church, she gave her testimony. I was baptized there. My parents renewed their vows there. I bring all this up because she's turned her back against God. She doesn't believe any more.

If I had told my mother at any age, that I didn't believe I'm pretty sure I would have gotten a lecture about it.

She says she's living her life for herself now, and if she truly feels like she didn't get to that as part of our family before it broke up, then good for her.

I just don't want her to forget who let her sleep in her work clothes for a couple hours on the couch every day after work. Who cooked and cleaned and did her laundry when we lived together after my parents divorced.

Who at 19 was getting in trouble for not calling (which I will admit was wrong) but enjoying some time with friends...when Iworked full time and went to school full time!

I didn't really get to enjoy those early years between high school and being an adult.

Maybe I'm bitter because I feel like she stole that from me. Maybe she's bitter because I don't call.

Maybe we'll be able to make this work one day, and maybe we won't.

I just know that I don't say things aobut her or call her names; because that childish and ridiculous for a 53 year old woman to do that. Or to call my father names...especially when all she wanted was for us to be able to have a relationship again.

I love my mom. She's getting married this July. I wish her all the best.

You and I will be a tough act to follow

Well, I think I've finally been able to figure out what the problem is. The answer I've been trying to find for the last 7 months...

I have to get over Chuck.

It seems like a simple answer but the truth is that I haven't gotten over it...or him. I love him, still...and it hurts me every day. Admitting it has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I can't talk to him...I can't think about him because it hurts and it will continue to hurt until I get to that point where I don't care anymore.

I wish that when I had told people that I was over it I had been truly honest. maybe I could have started this healing process sooner.

It may seem like I should have moved on long ago, but the fact is I ran away from the pain...literally.

I tell everyone that I moved to Missouri to take care of my grandparents while my grandmother finished her cancer treatments. I went there because I had nowhere else to go. My life was shattered and I fell apart.

I cried for 2 months straight. Every night when I laid my head on a pillow that wasn't familiar in a bed that was too big for one person by herself. I cried and I longed for the days that I had with him.

We were apart of each others lives for 2 years. We lived together, raised an amazing dog together, and were going to have a baby together.

Things fell apart as they often do. That I can accept. What I cannot accept is that I can't overcome this...even after all this time.

I start to wonder how things would be if things had gone differently, but I stop myself because I don't even want to consider it.

I moved back to California and jumped into a relationship with someone that I literally hadn't seen in years. Moving too fast and acting impulsively again, and it ended up biting me in the ass.

I don't understand why I have such a desire to be in a successful relationship.

I try very hard not to compare other guys I talk to or date to Chuck...I try. But I always find something that is similar, and then I immediately find the things that I loved about Chuck that this man doesn't possess.

He pushed me to be the best version of myself possible. He was there for me when I recovered from heart surgery. He was there when we made a huge decision in our lives. He was there when that miracle was taken away.

We cried together and laughed together. We laughed a lot. He taught me so many things, and I like to think that I taught him some stuff too.

Sitting here crying about this for the first time in months feels good; like a purging. Maybe finally admitting to all these feelings is the first step.

After all, Chuck always said I needed to open up more about my feelings. He said I'd feel better.

Maybe he was right.