Love Remains the Same

So, its been *sigh* forever, which is really only like 10 days since my last blog. I just didn't have much to talk about between now and then. I still don't really, but that's not the point. The point is I feel like I've changed a bit. Not over the last 10 days, but most certainly in general over the last 6 months or so. Like even though I've been an adult for several years now, I'm actually acting like one. Working, paying attention to what I do and say, getting things done that need to be done...when they need to be done. I haven't been procrastinating as much lately...maybe that's why I feel so grown-up. Ha! That's kinda funny. I've started writing again. I'm loving it again. I got to the point where no one was responsive to my work, that I got so discouraged and started to hate writing and developing plots and characters. I wrote Chuck a short story about a week ago, and he really enjoyed it. Which means a lot to me. He isn't often very expressive with his feelings. With his opinions, sure! I can barely get him to shut up! But, feelings is different. He told me he felt what I wrote, that it touched him. That's huge. Some of you have been lucky enough to receive some of my writing, however juvenile it may have been. Its only gotten better. I wrote a short story when I was in the middle of my divorce. It had nothing to do with it, and it still brings tears to my eyes when I read it. I've been playing with writing a novel. Or more accurately, a novella. I'm not sure. I just know that I have something inside me that desperately needs to get out and I'm sure that once it does, and its refined...it may just make people smile, or laugh or cry or all of it. I haven't said it out loud yet, and writing it here still doesn't make it quite real. But, once I do spill my guts and I start working on it, you'll be the first to know. Well, third probably. I'll tell myself first, then Chuck...then you guys. Sorry, but I gotta keep the priorities straight! Other than that...let's see. I lost about 80% of my music, because I couldn't manually transfer my songs from my iPod to my new iTunes account. Thanks apple for being so ridiculously insane that I lost almost all of it. I literally had almost 3000 songs on my iPod, and as of 3 days ago I have 414. Annoying! Oh, and I got such a kick out of Kayne at the VMA's. Not because he interrupted Taylor Swift, because that's just mean and he's a jerky idiot. Because everything is referencing that. I was at the grocery store the other day, and somebody was saying something over the intercom and someone interrupted them! It was hilarious. And Brendan Gleason made a comment about it during his Emmy acceptance speech last night. So funny! And as it happens, I'm listening to Gold Digger right now. However, I love that song because its funny...and one of the few rap/hip hop songs that I know by heart. So bad, that I can remember being dragged to a primarily black bar/dance club and shaking my ass to that song and having drinks bought for me all night long! Good times. In other news, I just started reading the newest Dan Brown novel, The Lost Symbol. Chuck asked how I liked it so far. My response? "Eh, Dan Brown Robert Langdon book. Hard getting into, but I'm sure I'll finish by this weekend.". And that's pretty much the truth. The last book I read was Terry Goodkind's The Law of Nines. Amazing! That's all I can say. You don't' have to have read his previous series to understand it, but you should anyway! Not because there are subtle references to it and some ideas/characters, but because ti will literally change your life. That's all. So, anyway...its Monday. Chuck is on leave until the first. We haven't started on our Halloween costumes yet. Pictures to come...I'm not telling. And we have trivia tonight, 20th anniversary trivia no less. 20 weeks of trivia and all we have to show for it, is a bubble kit that the dog loves, 3 cans of pork and beans that will never get eaten, a package of smarties that will go to the trick or treaters, and a bartender that knows what we like. All in all, not too bad.

PS...I have no idea how many of you read this. I'm glad to have one subscriber...Brit, you're awesome! Thanks! =) Chuck was teasing though, so naturally I'm curious. Peace out kiddies!

Remember what the Monty Python boys say..."Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"

Ok, so that's not a song quote, but I think its got the best quote from a terrific movie. Plus, I'm going to talk all about Spamalot the Musical. :) So, I'm a musical theater nerd. It was my main focus in high school, and I minored in it during college. But, I am not your typical musical theater nut. I've never seen Rent all the way through. I don't know the entire plot to a lot of classic musicals. And, I have a sense of humor. I can make fun of theater and I even have a "musical theater" voice. Ask me to demonstrate some time...its great. Spamalot combines three things I love very deeply: musical theater, Brittish comedy, and Spam. I love Spam more than bacon. And, I really love bacon! Spamalot is based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Not only did it turn a classic movie into a musical, Eric Idle, an original member of MP, took it upon himself to make fun of musical theater. Its about bloody time! Musical theater, besides being a breeding ground for obscene stories about quick changes and hook ups backstage, is a prime candidite for being poked fun at. Something that has needed to be done for at least 15 years. Musical theater is a wonderful form of performance, and was certainly fantastic when it first debuted. That being said, I personally am so happy that someone decided to call musical theater out and throw it under a bus! The three songs that really do this are, " The Song that goes like this", "You won't succeed on Broadway", and "Diva's Lament(Whatever Happened to my part?)". I can't fully convey the humor in these songs, but if you have seen it...you know and hopefully understand. If you haven't had the opportunity....get off your lazy butts and see it!

Let's see....friend Bridal shower tomorrow. Church and golf on Sunday. In a week or so, a homecoming party. Good times to end the summer.

I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll go

Let me just say that Nickelback is a phenomenal band live in concert. Chuck and I went to see them Saturday night. I won tickets about a week ago and we were looking forward to it, but we weren't expecting a lot from it. We were absolutely pleasantly surprised! Chad Kroger, while being a "party boy" and swearing, seemed incredibly intelligent and was quite charming. He was funny, he obviously has a connection not only to his music, but to other artists that have influenced him. He was gracious with the crowd and his crew. Truly, one of the best concerts I've ever been to. When we were leaving, we happened across a guy that was selling tickets to the Def Leppard concert this Wednesday. I bought 2 tickets, 20 bucks. About the same seats that we just had. Chuck is a huge Def Leppard fan, and them playing with Poison is maybe a once in a lifetime experience. So, we're very excited about that! And we're going to Spamalot tonight! I don't have much to say today, I had a very long weekend, and I'm exhausted. I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow after Spamalot.

Oh, we got 3rd place at trivia last night! Yay for us!

Things, they are a changin'

Have you ever felt like you had all the space in the world, but you still couldn't breathe? I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I think that's a result of being out of work since March. Maybe it comes from not feeling equal to anyone else during these 5 months. I'm not sure. You all know that I'm not much of a crier. But, even I reach a point when I can't hold it inside any longer. Today has been that day. I should be really happy right now. And I am. I got a job offer yesterday! Yay for me! Its not the greatest or best paying job, but its a job...and one the I will enjoy doing. With people, that I can already tell will become great friends. But, it doesn't get rid of the sense dread that I feel. I feel like I have alienated people who are closest to me. That I have let my loner ways overcome me and not let me grow and become a good friend or girlfriend or family member. You know when you go through periods of life when EVERYTHING is going wrong? You so desperately want to change them and make them right, but you either can't see how to do it or you feel like you just aren't strong enough to succeed. Its like I'm incapable of making anything right at the moment. If I was an idiot, suicide would be a thought. And, no folks, I am not suicidal...I'm just making a point. I've known people that have described this exact feeling and they felt so trapped that they truly felt that was their only escape. I don't believe that, and I hope I never will. Its not even that I feel trapped, because I don't. I love the life that I have right now. The friends that I still have and the little family that I have created are the best things I have ever been a part of. I just wish I knew how to make it an oiled machine. How to take 50% emotion out of it and replace that with 50% logic. I wish that it was easier to speak these things than it is to write them. I wish I didn't feel like everything that's wrong is always my fault. I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I do. Its just who I am. I want to change it, because its awful. But, I haven't been able to do it so far, and I wonder if I ever will.

I know that that way of thinking frustrates some people; it frustrates me too! To second guess yourself is infuriating. It doesn't happen all the time, but its enough that it drives me crazy.

Second guessing is like living in limbo. I can't live that way. I hate conversational limbo, I even hate the Limbo game. when you bring limbo into your life, its inviting you to second guess every decision you've made up until this point. That point being when you put yourself in limbo. Conversational limbo is the worst. You have a "talk" with someone and for some reason you have to stop and come back to it...without some serious decisions or topics broached. You've just put yourself in limbo. Limbo is the reason that people get quiet with each other. Its because we're thinking of all the ways things could be different. When we think of these things, we should discuss them and get ourselves out of limbo. But, then you run into the regret factor. Sometimes, we all do it, we say something in anger or frustration that we immediately regret. I know I have. How do we go back from there? I had a friend when I was 16, she was 15...too young to understand her wisdom, that if you didn't really mean something, you would never say it. but we do it all the time, don't we? I'm not trying to excuse myself, but I know that sometimes I do it because I don't know how else to put my feelings into words.

Jeez, what is my point here? I'm not even sure right now. I'm sad and frustrated, so this is it for today. That's all.