When you smile at me you know exactly what you do

So, as the deadline approaches for me to leave San Diego I can't help but feel like I'm supposed to be here.

Friends and loved ones are constantly telling me to do what makes me happy. Whereas before people were telling me to leave/come home.

I'm so confused and conflicted.

I have a few interviews this week, and if one of them works out and I get a job, that'll be great.

I still won't have a place to stay after July 5Th. That sucks. But easily figured out.

I'm reconnecting with old friends and enjoying every minute of it. I'm getting back into Job's Daughters and really enjoying that.

I'm spending time getting to know Will. A whole weekend getting to know him. Spending time with him not doing anything except talking and laughing and actually learning a lot about myself in the process.

I like him...even if he does remind me of Jafar from Aladdin.

I think he likes me. My friend Johnna says he does.

We spent the weekend lounging and watching movies. Talking and laughing. Being complete dorks with each other enjoying the silence. (Most of the time)

I don't want to stay and burden my friends.

I don't want to stay for the wrong reasons, like a guy that I barely know and have little time to get to know.

But I hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE wondering "What if?".

What if I leave and I wind up unhappy in Missouri again?

What if I leave and I get offered a great job here in SD?

What if....anything with Will?

There's a reason that's my last question.

I won't make this decision for anyone else or because of anyone else.

I want to stay here. I'm doing everything that I can in order to make sure that I do.

I'm turning 26 in about 2 weeks...what do I have to show for it?

I'm not sure how to answer that, but I do know that my little stuffed D_O_G and I are going to sleep and hopefully answers and solutions will come tomorrow.

His dark eyes dared me with danger, and sparks fly like flame to a paper

I don't even know where to start.

Maybe at the beginning...

I met someone. Someone really great. Someone I really like and end up being all giddy around. (Think middle school girl giddy.)

We went to the fair last Saturday, before I flew to Phoenix and just had a great time. We held hands and kissed when he dropped me off.

While I was in Phoenix, I met up with an old friend of mine. We went out for a drink and there was some flirting. He took me to see his new house that he had just bought and he kissed me.

I started crying and told him all about this guy. Luckily, we're good friends and he completely understood. He even thought I was cute because I was so twitterpated.

I ended up calling Erik. When you're with someone so consistently for so long, you become close and I had to share this with someone.

Was he the best choice? Maybe not, but he was the first person I thought of.

And that could be why I'm so confused right now.

When I got home to San Diego, Erik began texting me. The first one was simple, that he just wanted to give me a hug. Because he missed me.

Again, when you're with someone almost every day for a few months, you're going to miss them.

That I can deal with. But the rest, I don't know...

He told me that he doesn't want me to leave. He wants to be with me. Even, that he know we have things to talk about and he's willing to do the talking.

What the hell?

I asked Erik a few weeks ago to give us another chance. Why? I must be a glutton for punishment.

Don't ask me to explain why I would want to be with someone that hurt me and cheated on me, because I can't explain it.

That was a few weeks ago. That was before I met Will.

Every time I text with Will or talk to him, I grin and blush and get butterflies in my stomach.

Every time Erik says he loves me and wants to give us a chance and make it work...I grin and get butterflies in my stomach.

I don't like feeling like this; so torn between the known and the unknown.

I want to get to know Will better. I want to date someone before I just jump into a relationship. I like knowing and believing that he's a good guy. Maybe a little shy and maybe a little dorky, but so am I.

I really like that.

Then there's Erik.

Good old dependable Erik. I think when its convenient for him.

I think the whole ideas of: Me moving back to Missouri or getting a job and moving to Phoenix or... a new guy in my life. The prospect of not always being available to him got him thinking.

His words to me were: "I don't want to be the guy that didn't take a chance and missed out on something amazing."

Holy crap.

I don't know what to do. I want to stay in California if I can.

I don't want to stay for either guy. I want to stay because I love it here.

Do I get a bonus of getting to know Will better by staying here? Yes.

Do I get to see if Erik actually wants to give it a chance? I could, but I'm not sure I will.

This is not a situation I've been in before. It's new to me and I do not like it.

Regrets, I've had a few. But then again too few to mention.

I never in a million years thought that I would be saying these words, but here we go...


I'm going home. To Missouri.

My family is there, and I'm getting to an age where I've realized that I've put my friends before my family; a regret that I'm having now.

I used to say that I never have regrets, but that I learn from everything.

While I have learned from this...I also regret it.

I came back to California on a whim of hope, as someone dear to me said recently, and I regret not thinking things through.

I regret not planning and for not looking further than the end of my nose. (My mother would be impressed that I can admit to that.)

I regret not talking to my family and telling them that I was so unhappy. I regret thinking that someone else would make me happy.

Going home to open arms and a world full of love is apparently what I need.

Was I happy in Missouri? Not really. But I did have an awesome support system of my dad, and family that I was just getting to know.

Did I give it the chance it deserved? Not really. But I threw myself into a situation where I was depressed and didn't want to feel at home there or make myself happy.

I don't know that going back is the best decision, but coming back was a mistake.

I did it for the wrong reasons and had too many expectations for what moving back to San Diego would have in store for me.

I've got some things to take care of before I can go back. I have to say that I really want to stay in California, but with no job and not enough money saved up, that just isn't a possibility.

Swallow my doubt, turn it inside out, Find nothing but faith in nothing. Want to put my tender heart in a blender...

Interesting session with Dr. Crazy this morning. I told him all about the Balboa Park adventures (see previous blog).

My homework....Talk to Erik. Get a firm definition of what the hell is going on. Either one that is in actuality what we are or what we can agree to be.

And I'm not supposed to comeback to see Crazy until I do this. So...I think its time to find a new therapist.

I'm joking...OK, half way joking.

OK, I'm dead serious.

It's just not going to happen. I just can't make it happen. Sadly, I say that because I know he won't talk about it and I'll only talk about it over text...which he doesn't respond to.

Crazy did give me a talking to this morning also.

He told me that I know exactly what my problem is, but I refuse to admit it. (Duh.) And that I'm too smart to be here talking to some stranger when I could just be talking to people that care about me.

Also, that maybe I should consider going back to school and becoming a psychologist.

I laughed out loud there for at least 30 seconds. He said because I can easily identify what other people's problems are, and the fact that I'm compassionate and only want people to better themselves that it would be great for me.

I don't think I want to go back to school for another 5-10 years.

Sigh.

So, yesterday was an interesting day. Erik and I barely spoke all day. No touching, no hugging. Nothing. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I didn't take my Prozac, so I know that had something to with it. It felt like we couldn't stand to be around each other. At all.

When I got home this morning it was a completely different story. He was talking to me about his doctor and then telling me a story about his brother and then us laughing together at him acting like a retard (no offense) and us hugging and laughing.

Again; I. DO. NOT. GET. IT.

I just want to lay around today and watch movies and play video games and have a great lazy day with him.

I don't if that's possible...or what today holds for us.

But I think a talk might actually be in store. I hate being in limbo; and if I'm going to waste my time with him, I want to know specifically how I'm doing it.

Oh, why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind...

I didn't take me Prozac today...I feel like crap.

Yesterday was an interesting day. I went to Balboa park with a couple of friends. Seems pretty normal right? Heh...wrong.

The plan was to go with my friend Brad. Brad and I have known each other for about 4/5 years. You could say that we dated somewhere in that time. We have remained friends and still hang out quite a bit.

Yesterday, he came to pick me up and Erik was walking out to go to the DMV. Instead of Brad and I going our merry way, he decides we need to convince Erik to come with us...after going to the DMV of course.

Erik, to my utter astonishment, agreed. This should have been the point where I just backed away slowly and not gone anywhere with both of them.

But, me the smartest person ever born, went along with it. Does anybody know how awkward it is to be hanging out with 2 people you've slept with? EXTREMELY!

Because Erik is a giant, he sat in the front of Brad's tiny Civic and Brad actually let me drive. I was excited because it was a stick and I haven't driven one in SO long.

The boys are acting like boys and are picking on me the entire time I'm driving us down to the park.

Once we get there, Erik gives me a hug to make up for teasing me. Brad notices.

How do I know that, you might ask? Brad kept a tally.

He is a psych major and reads people like a freaking book! It drives me batty sometimes, but I love it about him!

So, over the course of the day Brad counted numerous hugs, one case of hand holding, and a bunch of times where Erik would apparently not let me out of his sight.

I guess that wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that we are now supposed to be 'just friends'.

So, we have a great day. Brad drives us back up to Esco, I passed out in the back seat. We get to the apartment and Erik invites Brad inside. Again, no big deal.

Erik goes to check the mail and Brad is on the patio for a smoke. I'm standing outside with him and he says to me, "You guys are totally dating."

I haven't told Brad anything about what's been going on with between Erik and me. I just didn't want to discuss it with him.

When Brad was leaving he hugged me...like we ALWAYS do and He and I both saw Erik's jaw clench. It was almost funny.

I decided to go to the store and I also had to pick up a croc-pot from Erik's mom. I was getting ready to leave and Erik pulled me down on the couch and kissed me. Like, really kissed me.

I didn't know what to do...I just kissed him back.

I left and saw I had a missed call from Brad. I called him back and he proceeded to explain to me how it was that I was dating Erik and we didn't realize it.

I'd like to think that a lot of it is just our friendship and consideration for each other.

Apparently, it's deeper than that. As Brad described it...we make concessions for each other. Erik doesn't like cucumbers or tomatoes in his salad, so I ate them off his plate for him. We got stuck in an elevator and I have a problem with small spaces, so he put his arm around me and kept me distracted.

Plus a bunch of other tiny things.

Now, Brad is not jealous. One, he just isn't that guy; and tow, we aren't like that anymore.

After I got done talking to him and running my errands...Erik was all over me the whole night.

I. DO. NOT. GET. IT.

I think we are so comfortable with each other (even with all the "awkwardness" and the other crap) that we just naturally act like that with each other.

Last night, and don't ask me why, I sent Erik a text that said "Give us a chance." Not a question or even a request...you could call it a demand.

Did he text back? Nope. Did he bring it up? Double Nope.

I guess that should tell me something.

As of right now, he is with his butt of a brother. I can barely stand that guy. And if I know Erik, and I do, He is probably complaining about me and telling his brother how I read the text messages in his phone last week.

I don't care. I'm tired and I'm going to sleep soon.