Well, I made it through a second session. The shrink almost didn't, but I think he understands why.
I apparently spent a lot of time today avoiding two important topics that plague my psyche.
One is my self worth. Surprise, surprise, I feel as if I have none.
The other is January of last year. We'll get to that in a minute.
I mentioned to Dr. Edwards (hereafter known as Crazy) that a lot of you, my friends and family, had written me notes of concern and love. his first piece of homework for me was to write down all the lovely things you all said and keep them with me. Then, if I come to a point where I feel like crap, helpless, or hopeless...I can take out your words and read them and know that people think I'm better than all that.
Great idea. I keep a notebook with me wherever I go. I use it mostly for when I get a story idea, or a break in the writers block and I'll write a few pages that I can later transcribe into my stories. I like to keep it especially if I run across an amazing quote somewhere...I've been doing this for years.
I like this idea. One reason; I have a terrible memory and have trouble remembering conversations from a week ago, let alone things people tell me. especially when I'm in an emotional state and spending a lot of time crying and reading with blurry eyes.
I think that having your words with me will help for those times when, I don't know, someone insults me or I have a nothing fight with someone I'm close to.
Great idea, Crazy. I like it.
When I got home from my session, I logged into my email and Facebook to copy some of this down. That's when I saw a new message from a friend of mine.
I hope she doesn't mind that I'm going to write about her. I probably should have asked her beforehand, but since she subscribes to my blog, and I don't plan on saying anything negative, I think she'll be OK with it.
She's married to my best friend and she and I went to school together. I was lucky enough to get to know her from a distance during school, and I felt got to know her better through my friendship with her now hubby.
She and I were never exceptionally close. Something I had always wanted to change. I have a problem with girls. Because of the way I see things, the way I view society and gender roles, I just get along better with boys. It's always been a blessing and a curse.
The boys always see me as nothing more than 'one of the guys' and the girls usually hate me because I know more about their boyfriends than they do.
Luckily this is not the case here.
I've gotten off on a tangent from my original story.
She expressed to me her concern and proceeded to explain to me that she had felt jealous of me. Apparently as recently as this last weekend. Jealous because of what she saw in me and the way I treated life. Jealous of a nothing high school relationship, jealous of my wit (I'll give her that one...I'm hilarious), jealous of the potential I suppose she thought I possessed.
I don't want to get into specifics, and I really hope that she isn't upset with me after she reads this blog.
While, I absolutely did not have my finest moment this weekend, I'm ashamed to admit that I had another after reading her email.
I felt pride at someone elses negative feelings. Telling someone that you have been jealous of them in the past gives them a sort of power. Not that I would ever exercise that over her, but I felt it all the same.
When I responded I tried my best to as honest as possible with her. I hope she understood what I was saying.
I confessed to her that when she began dating my friend, that I was jealous of her. Not because I wanted to be with him, but because I saw in him what he's proven to anyone that knows him.
He is amazing and probably one of the last truly good men out there. When I saw them grow closer, I knew...just knew in my heart that they were the end. What I mean by that is, they were the end for each other...and the beginning. I had been waiting for the wedding invitation for years.
Needless to say, her confessions will not be going into my notebook. Not because I didn't, I guess appreciate is the right word, but because I don't need that. What I will include is her love and support that offered to me. Her friendship from across the country to a girl that she knows very little of...that's what I'm taking from that.
You know who you are...and I love you. Regardless of how close we are or not. In my book, you are an important person to me.
OK, on to the second task. The one that almost cost Crazy his life. (Not really. But I didn't speak for 10 minutes and just stared at him.)
He wants for me to talk to Chuck face to face about what happened. The miscarriage. The Thing We Never Speak Of.
It sounds like a Sci fi movie from the 1950's.
He thinks that because we, or I specifically never sought counseling, that all the emotions and feelings I'm holding onto are making it difficult for me to "grow" or move on.
I don't like this for several reasons. Numero Uno being that we have never talked about it. Sure, we talked about what happened and what procedure I would have to have. But we just let it sit in the corner and never looked at it or gave it the attention it really deserved.
Reason B: It was a year ago. I almost feel that talking about it now would just be overkill. Aside from the fact that we never discussed it. (See above.)
Lastly: I'm not sure I really want to incorporate Chuck into this "healing process". I used Chuck as crutch in a lot of different ways, but this is something I feel I need to do without him.
A part of me feels like there is no point in us talking about this, because it won't change anything between us. Another part of me feels like if we never talk about it, its going to eat me up inside.
Regardless, I'm not ready to do it. I'm not ready to approach him and TELL him that we need to talk about it.
As of right now, its just not going to happen.
The Prozac adds to my insomnia...so that's awesome. I took it when I got up at 6:30 this morning, so hopefully I won't be up until 3am tonight.
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