Swallow my doubt, turn it inside out, Find nothing but faith in nothing. Want to put my tender heart in a blender...

Interesting session with Dr. Crazy this morning. I told him all about the Balboa Park adventures (see previous blog).

My homework....Talk to Erik. Get a firm definition of what the hell is going on. Either one that is in actuality what we are or what we can agree to be.

And I'm not supposed to comeback to see Crazy until I do this. So...I think its time to find a new therapist.

I'm joking...OK, half way joking.

OK, I'm dead serious.

It's just not going to happen. I just can't make it happen. Sadly, I say that because I know he won't talk about it and I'll only talk about it over text...which he doesn't respond to.

Crazy did give me a talking to this morning also.

He told me that I know exactly what my problem is, but I refuse to admit it. (Duh.) And that I'm too smart to be here talking to some stranger when I could just be talking to people that care about me.

Also, that maybe I should consider going back to school and becoming a psychologist.

I laughed out loud there for at least 30 seconds. He said because I can easily identify what other people's problems are, and the fact that I'm compassionate and only want people to better themselves that it would be great for me.

I don't think I want to go back to school for another 5-10 years.

Sigh.

So, yesterday was an interesting day. Erik and I barely spoke all day. No touching, no hugging. Nothing. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I didn't take my Prozac, so I know that had something to with it. It felt like we couldn't stand to be around each other. At all.

When I got home this morning it was a completely different story. He was talking to me about his doctor and then telling me a story about his brother and then us laughing together at him acting like a retard (no offense) and us hugging and laughing.

Again; I. DO. NOT. GET. IT.

I just want to lay around today and watch movies and play video games and have a great lazy day with him.

I don't if that's possible...or what today holds for us.

But I think a talk might actually be in store. I hate being in limbo; and if I'm going to waste my time with him, I want to know specifically how I'm doing it.