Don't let go, I've wanted this far too long. Mistakes become regrets, I've learned to love abuse. Please show me what I'm looking for.

Being here in Missouri, I've had plenty of time to think about things. Mostly because there isn't much else to do here.



Sadly, the one thing that I've been suppressing for a long time and decided to come to the surface is the fact that my biological clock is ticking and its just getting louder.



But being here isn't going to make that dream become reality.



I want to be able to work and stay here long enough to bank enough to be in a position to move back to Cali and survive there.



The guy that I care about the most ever is still there, and while there is no way that he and I are talking about this....well, let's just say that I have thought about it.

It doesn't help when I speak to my grandmother and she tells me that he greatest hope is that I'll meet a nice man here and get married and start a family. Here in Missouri. Where I don't want to be, but according to her, I 'will get used to it and adjust...' and then I 'won't be upset that this is my home.'

Points well made... I do need to acclimate and make the best of this situation. I'm ready to do that.

But I don't think that I need to find a man here to make me happy and help me adjust. Regardless of the fact that Will and I are together, it just isn't necessary.

Just like when my Uncle Paul says that domestic chores are really meant for women to do. (I'm not dissing him...but that is just an unnecessary comment.)

Just because that's what you believe doesn't make it right.

My grandmother thinks that all I need to do is find a man; fall in love...make him (she used the word "make"), get married and start a family. Then I'll be happy and content here.

Pfffftttt.

Now, I don't disagree with this only because my grandmother said it or because its archaic; no I disagree with it because I've always believed that you are the only person that can make you happy. And falling in love and having that person love you back is a bonus. And it adds to the happiness you already have in your life.

Now, in regards to what I said in the beginning of this blog...this is not the time to focus on that.

Right now is the time for me to focus and buckle down...to step up and be 26 and take charge of my life. I've said that before, and I'm still determined to do just that.

That's a huge plus for me.

And luckily, I have family that loves and supports me. Uncle Paul and Aunt Carolyn are so cool because they understand that even though I don't want to be here, they believe in me enough to know that I will save myself.

And even if I am comfortable enough to leave in a year...that's the way it is. As much as Aunt Carolyn would love me to be in Missouri forever...she knows and supports me desire to return to Cali.

I can't ask for much more than that.

As for now....still applying everywhere and staying optimistic.

And missing San Diego a lot...oh yeah, and Will.

Cause you talk to me like lovers do

*This blog was started on my flight from Denver to Missouri and finished today*

Starting a long distance relationship can seem like a daunting and maybe even a foolish thing to do. The thought had crossed my mind that this day might come when I started dating a Navy guy again. I never really thought that I would be the one leaving.

But already, I can see where the good will come in.

Will and I spoke just after I boarded my plane for St. Louis. He actually held up his end of the conversation. That’s kind of a big deal because he isn’t much of a talker. The first phone call we ever had was filler with a lot of silence…awkward silence. While our talk wasn’t very long, we communicated…which has a different meaning than just talking.

When we talk to each other, we find out the things that are ironic: We both used to frequent the 7-11 on Chase and Jamacha in El Cajon. Or how about that we are both Gulls fans. Or that when we were younger we both used to eat raw bacon. (Ok, maybe I should have kept that one private!) We find humor in the same things, and have the same opinions on how children should be raised.

Our communication came in the form of admitting past transgressions, shared tears when I told him I would have to leave. When he grabs my hand while he’s driving just to touch me or when I give him his special smile. We surprisingly read each other well. He’s able to pick up on my moods and I know when he needs to be handled with care.
We’ve been able to speak on the phone a few times, and it amazes me how much we talk and how long our conversations are.
I talked his ear off the other night about being back and he told me all about getting to Hawaii last night. He sent me a picture of a mural that he saw inside the Exchange in Honolulu, because he knew I would like it. And he was right.

Then there's the non-verbal communication. I've been dealing with that since I got back to Missouri.

I'm living with my Uncle Paul (Poppa's youngest brother), Auntie Carolyn, and my two cousins; best cousin Jena and Jake.

When I was hear before Paul and Carolyn's was a safe haven for me. Coming over gave me the opportunity to get away from my grandparents and avoid the long drive to and from the country for work. Paul and Carolyn were the ones that accepted me fully right from the beginning and welcomed me like they had known me all my life.

And now...I feel as though Paul has something to say to me, but won't spit it out. It feels like everyone is walking on egg shells and I can't help but feel like its my fault.

I don't want to be a burden to them, but they want me here; or so they say. I just feel like Paul is always looking at me or on the flip side is avoiding me at all costs.

This is the kind of animosity that scares me the most. This is part of what my nightmare is.

It doesn't help that I feel like my dad is distancing himself from me...that hurts too.

I'm starting to feel depressed....but just as I wrote that line, Will texted me. He manages to pull me out of my funk and put a smile on my face.

How I wish you were here OR Every time we meet, my heart skips a beat

Dear Will,

The last time I was actually sitting in an airport, I was in Phoenix. I was trying to get back to San Diego. You and I had been up almost all night texting. I remember I had texted you to tell you that I had been thinking about you. And you said the same. It's kinda funny. While I was waiting to to board my plane I told myself to make sure I saw you again and got to know you better. I think I came over that week and we stayed up all night. (Just reminded myself we never finished The Wall...)

I'm not really sure how we ended up spending so much time together, but I don't think I would change it for anything else. I think we did the typical thing people do when they first start dating someone...you spend almost all your time with them. Its not a bad thing, but maybe some distance will be good. Not because either one of us wants to be apart from the other, or because we want to miss each other...but it will give us time to learn that much more about each other.

That sounds like such BS lol.

I have to go to Missouri and do this whole life thing...kinda sucks, but I'm ready to do it. I want to come back a better, more confident person. I hope I will. My dream for several years has been to open my own bakery...maybe I can make that come true. Not there....then I'm stuck there, lol...and nobody wants that. I'm hoping that we try and maybe we make it work. Right now, I think the important thing to focus on is the trying. Everything else will happen naturally.

And since we were so good about taking things slow and not jumping in feet first, we should be fine. =)

I'm so glad that I won those tickets and Johnna jumped at me needing someone to go with. I'm happy that I had to meet a stranger and it turned out to be you.

I miss you already....and that sucks. But I know it will get better. Hopefully, I'll be driving out in a few weeks and we can see each other. Oh, and I'm sorry I was so quiet on the drive this morning...I didn't trust myself to talk to you without crying.

D_O_G misses you too. He says he doesn't want to move to Missouri and wants to visit you. I said we would discuss it.

Take care of yourself. Don go falling down a ladder or stairwell. Be sure to keep up with me...I'll write a lot. And as soon as I get my phone set up and whatnot, you'll get the number.

I don't want to ramble on too much more....don't want you to get bored me when I haven't even left CA!

Talk to you soon.

XOXOXOX
Ausha

Just let me whisper things,You've never heard before.

Last time I wrote about guilt. I also wrote about opening up and trusting people, along with trusting yourself. What happens when you get to the point that you trust someone enough to open up to them, but you still don't trust yourself enough to say the words?

It's amazing how the things that I'm usually insecure about, haven't actually occurred to me since I've been dating Will. The only reason I had that realization is because I'm insecure about other things.

I told (wrote) Will about Chuck and the miscarriage. We haven't talked about it and I'm not in any hurry to bring it up. I feel like what I needed to let him know, I have. If he has any questions or comments he can make them at any time. Its not something we need to discuss; but I'm not taking it off the table either.

I'm trying to be an open book with him. Sharing my shortcomings and dreams. He's been able to open up to me...and I can't tell you how refreshing that is! It's almost like a luxury to be in a relationship with someone that will open up to you and then not retreat back into a shell.

We have had an amazing month. We spent the past weekend in Laughlin with his roommate, Bill and Bill's GF Johnna; who is a long time friend of mine.

Coming back was hard. I received bad news from Barona (where I had been offered a great job) and learned that I needed to move. All on the same day! Tuesday was spent frantically trying to find a place to stash my stuff (Thank you Jennifer!), contacting my family back in Missouri, and trying to find a place to crash for a few days (still working on that one!).

Telling Will that I would have to leave for real this time was worse than before. Before we were new. Still learning about each other and getting used to being with someone. Now, after spending every possible moment we can together....its understandably rough.

We cried and held each other. If I know him at all, the same things I was thinking were running through his head too.

When will I come back?
Why now?
Can we handle long distance?
How soon will we see each other?
Why now?
Isn't there any way to change this?

That was the bulk of my thoughts yesterday, among other things.

For those of you that know me, I tend to laugh things off and try to use my gift of sarcasm to lighten my burden. I keep making jokes about how there's nothing to do in Missouri. About how small the town is and how we don't even have a Starbucks!

All joking aside...I think we're both devastated.

We're both aware of how difficult long distance relationships can be. He's in the Navy, I've been utterly associated with it.

Over the weekend he said that he didn't like long distance relationships. Hearing that didn't really affect me until Tuesday. When I told him my series of unfortunate events, I capped it off with "And you don't do long distance relationships. So yay for me.".

Luckily, Will just rolled his eyes and hugged me. He had to explain to the crying blonde (go figure) that the last one he was in didn't work out. That we would try, that we could and would make it work.

His orders will change in about a year and he will go back on a boat for about 18 months. And then after another 6 he'll be done.

I only want to be in Missouri for a year. 18 months tops. And if that means that I work and do nothing but work...so be it.

I'm all for admitting that I can't do this here in San Diego. I'm willing to take a step back and be an adult and take charge of being responsible for my own life. And if moving back to Missouri and sticking with a plan of action is the way to accomplish all that, then that's what I'll do.

For right now, I'm enjoying the last few days and nights that Will is on leave. Also trying to find a spare couch that can host me after Sunday so I have someplace safe to be until I can leave next week.

Trying to remain positive. Trying to get plenty of rest and time with the people that come to mean so much to me in such a short amount of time, and trying not to panic.

I think if I can figure out the harder stuff....everything else will hopefully start to fall into place.