You and I will be a tough act to follow

Well, I think I've finally been able to figure out what the problem is. The answer I've been trying to find for the last 7 months...

I have to get over Chuck.

It seems like a simple answer but the truth is that I haven't gotten over it...or him. I love him, still...and it hurts me every day. Admitting it has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I can't talk to him...I can't think about him because it hurts and it will continue to hurt until I get to that point where I don't care anymore.

I wish that when I had told people that I was over it I had been truly honest. maybe I could have started this healing process sooner.

It may seem like I should have moved on long ago, but the fact is I ran away from the pain...literally.

I tell everyone that I moved to Missouri to take care of my grandparents while my grandmother finished her cancer treatments. I went there because I had nowhere else to go. My life was shattered and I fell apart.

I cried for 2 months straight. Every night when I laid my head on a pillow that wasn't familiar in a bed that was too big for one person by herself. I cried and I longed for the days that I had with him.

We were apart of each others lives for 2 years. We lived together, raised an amazing dog together, and were going to have a baby together.

Things fell apart as they often do. That I can accept. What I cannot accept is that I can't overcome this...even after all this time.

I start to wonder how things would be if things had gone differently, but I stop myself because I don't even want to consider it.

I moved back to California and jumped into a relationship with someone that I literally hadn't seen in years. Moving too fast and acting impulsively again, and it ended up biting me in the ass.

I don't understand why I have such a desire to be in a successful relationship.

I try very hard not to compare other guys I talk to or date to Chuck...I try. But I always find something that is similar, and then I immediately find the things that I loved about Chuck that this man doesn't possess.

He pushed me to be the best version of myself possible. He was there for me when I recovered from heart surgery. He was there when we made a huge decision in our lives. He was there when that miracle was taken away.

We cried together and laughed together. We laughed a lot. He taught me so many things, and I like to think that I taught him some stuff too.

Sitting here crying about this for the first time in months feels good; like a purging. Maybe finally admitting to all these feelings is the first step.

After all, Chuck always said I needed to open up more about my feelings. He said I'd feel better.

Maybe he was right.