I think I finally figured out why I've been resentful of Christmas for the last several years. For me, it all has to do with the commercial aspect; how many presents do we need to buy? How much money do I spend? What am I going to get in return?
I can't stand that.
Christmas is about the birth of our Lord. Plain and simple.
But, what I've really come to realize is that I was desperately looking for a place to belong to. Somewhere that I felt loved and loved others.
I've alienated different family members at different times. They've also been hurtful. But, with my resolution a couple years ago to be a better person and to learn to let go, I tried to mend those bonds. I was doing a great job too!
In June, my dad married his long-time girlfriend, giving me a step-mother who is more of a friend, and 2 little sisters and a little brother. Something I had prayed to God as a little girl to have. He answered my prayers, just 24 years later!
This summer, Will and I got married. His family welcomed me with open arms. I had sisters and a brother-in-law...it felt amazing! His sisters Kris and Emily are my friends. We text and poke each other on Facebook. Kris video chats with us every other week, with her handsome new baby...my nephew!
But I didn't just gain Will's immediate family...I gained the extended too. She just about rocks my world...I seriously don't know what I would do with SueAnn sometimes. We don't talk or text often, but when we do...well, I can say for me at least, its when I most need it.
I've been very weepy the last week. I wish I could be in about a dozen different places right now. With my dad and family in Missouri. With my best friend Shelly and her brood. Up in Ohio with the Benner family.
But, I'm pretty sure my tears are mostly happy. As I sit here at the computer, every time I look over my shoulder, Will gives me a smile. He loves me all the ways he should. He understands that need to feel like you belong. We belong to each other.
And as we have Christmas dinner with out makeshift family that we have here, I know that our hearts will be with both our families.
To all of you, Merry Christmas and a very happy and blessed New Year!
Monday, December 24, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
It's only natural to feel like you're sinking, It's only human to be so unprepared
Last night I had dinner with a dear friend from high school; a friend that is one of a few select people that I'm choosing to make an effort to keep in touch with.
And isn't that interesting? I have to choose to make an effort. I honestly believe that for many people, putting forth the effort is a thing that naturally...well, comes naturally. And for a lot of people like me, putting forth that effort is something that has to be chosen to do...it doesn't come naturally.
Of course there are some certain things that come naturally to people like me.
For instance....I'm awesome all the time.
No, I'm really not. I'm pretty awesome most of the time, but that's about it.
To get back on point, people with insecurities like mine, things like this take a conscience effort. And its hard and challenging.
But, when the fruit of that effort is there in front of you...it is so rewarding. Sitting at dinner last night, I felt like I had accomplished something huge; like a weight was lifted.
And understanding that I have these difficulties...actually makes life easier for me. Acknowledging that I have some minor anxiety issues makes it possible for me to look at simple everyday interactions, and know that I can get through them.
Last Sunday is a pretty shinning example. I went to church. A place where I grew up and knew people loved me and cared about me.
And I panicked. I almost didn't get out of the truck to go inside. And then once I was there, I just wanted to sit in the back and hide myself. I enjoyed seeing people and quickly catching up here and there. But I had this feeling like I was going to say something awkward or do something borderline inappropriate...and I did.
Several people I know and have been close with the better half of my life are pregnant. Something that is silently plaguing me. And what do I say to a happy new Grandma to be? Something along the lines of "I'm happy for you, but I'm not and you suck."
OK, maybe not that mean and snarky...but close enough to the point. And then I made out of there like a bat out of hell.
But when I got home, and I told Will about it, I started to realize that don't have to let this control me...I can control it.
I have joked before about my husband ( I love you baby!) being somewhat of a social retard.(No offense) Or at least that used to be how I saw him. He was at a point where he didn't really interact with people much outside of work; was incredibly quiet around people and me when we first started seeing each other.
I had the pleasure of watching him interact with two people that he had only met one other time. Talking and laughing and enjoying himself.
And a week later when I start to talk to him about my concerns about being socially retarded myself; I'm encouraged by him.That he often feels like he doesn't know what to say, or how to act; that we get verbal diarrhea Sometimes he wishes he could take back something he said or did.
But the thing to keep in mind is that while we can't always control every little detail, we keep in mind that the little details don't control us either. Things don't have to be as difficult as we make them out to be. Maybe sometimes when people say things that we feel are rude, or inappropriate...maybe they have verbal diarrhea too.
And isn't that interesting? I have to choose to make an effort. I honestly believe that for many people, putting forth the effort is a thing that naturally...well, comes naturally. And for a lot of people like me, putting forth that effort is something that has to be chosen to do...it doesn't come naturally.
Of course there are some certain things that come naturally to people like me.
For instance....I'm awesome all the time.
No, I'm really not. I'm pretty awesome most of the time, but that's about it.
To get back on point, people with insecurities like mine, things like this take a conscience effort. And its hard and challenging.
But, when the fruit of that effort is there in front of you...it is so rewarding. Sitting at dinner last night, I felt like I had accomplished something huge; like a weight was lifted.
And understanding that I have these difficulties...actually makes life easier for me. Acknowledging that I have some minor anxiety issues makes it possible for me to look at simple everyday interactions, and know that I can get through them.
Last Sunday is a pretty shinning example. I went to church. A place where I grew up and knew people loved me and cared about me.
And I panicked. I almost didn't get out of the truck to go inside. And then once I was there, I just wanted to sit in the back and hide myself. I enjoyed seeing people and quickly catching up here and there. But I had this feeling like I was going to say something awkward or do something borderline inappropriate...and I did.
Several people I know and have been close with the better half of my life are pregnant. Something that is silently plaguing me. And what do I say to a happy new Grandma to be? Something along the lines of "I'm happy for you, but I'm not and you suck."
OK, maybe not that mean and snarky...but close enough to the point. And then I made out of there like a bat out of hell.
But when I got home, and I told Will about it, I started to realize that don't have to let this control me...I can control it.
I have joked before about my husband ( I love you baby!) being somewhat of a social retard.(No offense) Or at least that used to be how I saw him. He was at a point where he didn't really interact with people much outside of work; was incredibly quiet around people and me when we first started seeing each other.
I had the pleasure of watching him interact with two people that he had only met one other time. Talking and laughing and enjoying himself.
And a week later when I start to talk to him about my concerns about being socially retarded myself; I'm encouraged by him.That he often feels like he doesn't know what to say, or how to act; that we get verbal diarrhea Sometimes he wishes he could take back something he said or did.
But the thing to keep in mind is that while we can't always control every little detail, we keep in mind that the little details don't control us either. Things don't have to be as difficult as we make them out to be. Maybe sometimes when people say things that we feel are rude, or inappropriate...maybe they have verbal diarrhea too.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Don't let go, I've wanted this far too long. Mistakes become regrets, I've learned to love abuse. Please show me what I'm looking for.
Being here in Missouri, I've had plenty of time to think about things. Mostly because there isn't much else to do here.
Sadly, the one thing that I've been suppressing for a long time and decided to come to the surface is the fact that my biological clock is ticking and its just getting louder.
But being here isn't going to make that dream become reality.
I want to be able to work and stay here long enough to bank enough to be in a position to move back to Cali and survive there.
The guy that I care about the most ever is still there, and while there is no way that he and I are talking about this....well, let's just say that I have thought about it.
It doesn't help when I speak to my grandmother and she tells me that he greatest hope is that I'll meet a nice man here and get married and start a family. Here in Missouri. Where I don't want to be, but according to her, I 'will get used to it and adjust...' and then I 'won't be upset that this is my home.'
Points well made... I do need to acclimate and make the best of this situation. I'm ready to do that.
But I don't think that I need to find a man here to make me happy and help me adjust. Regardless of the fact that Will and I are together, it just isn't necessary.
Just like when my Uncle Paul says that domestic chores are really meant for women to do. (I'm not dissing him...but that is just an unnecessary comment.)
Just because that's what you believe doesn't make it right.
My grandmother thinks that all I need to do is find a man; fall in love...make him (she used the word "make"), get married and start a family. Then I'll be happy and content here.
Pfffftttt.
Now, I don't disagree with this only because my grandmother said it or because its archaic; no I disagree with it because I've always believed that you are the only person that can make you happy. And falling in love and having that person love you back is a bonus. And it adds to the happiness you already have in your life.
Now, in regards to what I said in the beginning of this blog...this is not the time to focus on that.
Right now is the time for me to focus and buckle down...to step up and be 26 and take charge of my life. I've said that before, and I'm still determined to do just that.
That's a huge plus for me.
And luckily, I have family that loves and supports me. Uncle Paul and Aunt Carolyn are so cool because they understand that even though I don't want to be here, they believe in me enough to know that I will save myself.
And even if I am comfortable enough to leave in a year...that's the way it is. As much as Aunt Carolyn would love me to be in Missouri forever...she knows and supports me desire to return to Cali.
I can't ask for much more than that.
As for now....still applying everywhere and staying optimistic.
And missing San Diego a lot...oh yeah, and Will.
Sadly, the one thing that I've been suppressing for a long time and decided to come to the surface is the fact that my biological clock is ticking and its just getting louder.
But being here isn't going to make that dream become reality.
I want to be able to work and stay here long enough to bank enough to be in a position to move back to Cali and survive there.
The guy that I care about the most ever is still there, and while there is no way that he and I are talking about this....well, let's just say that I have thought about it.
It doesn't help when I speak to my grandmother and she tells me that he greatest hope is that I'll meet a nice man here and get married and start a family. Here in Missouri. Where I don't want to be, but according to her, I 'will get used to it and adjust...' and then I 'won't be upset that this is my home.'
Points well made... I do need to acclimate and make the best of this situation. I'm ready to do that.
But I don't think that I need to find a man here to make me happy and help me adjust. Regardless of the fact that Will and I are together, it just isn't necessary.
Just like when my Uncle Paul says that domestic chores are really meant for women to do. (I'm not dissing him...but that is just an unnecessary comment.)
Just because that's what you believe doesn't make it right.
My grandmother thinks that all I need to do is find a man; fall in love...make him (she used the word "make"), get married and start a family. Then I'll be happy and content here.
Pfffftttt.
Now, I don't disagree with this only because my grandmother said it or because its archaic; no I disagree with it because I've always believed that you are the only person that can make you happy. And falling in love and having that person love you back is a bonus. And it adds to the happiness you already have in your life.
Now, in regards to what I said in the beginning of this blog...this is not the time to focus on that.
Right now is the time for me to focus and buckle down...to step up and be 26 and take charge of my life. I've said that before, and I'm still determined to do just that.
That's a huge plus for me.
And luckily, I have family that loves and supports me. Uncle Paul and Aunt Carolyn are so cool because they understand that even though I don't want to be here, they believe in me enough to know that I will save myself.
And even if I am comfortable enough to leave in a year...that's the way it is. As much as Aunt Carolyn would love me to be in Missouri forever...she knows and supports me desire to return to Cali.
I can't ask for much more than that.
As for now....still applying everywhere and staying optimistic.
And missing San Diego a lot...oh yeah, and Will.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Cause you talk to me like lovers do
*This blog was started on my flight from Denver to Missouri and finished today*
Starting a long distance relationship can seem like a daunting and maybe even a foolish thing to do. The thought had crossed my mind that this day might come when I started dating a Navy guy again. I never really thought that I would be the one leaving.
But already, I can see where the good will come in.
Will and I spoke just after I boarded my plane for St. Louis. He actually held up his end of the conversation. That’s kind of a big deal because he isn’t much of a talker. The first phone call we ever had was filler with a lot of silence…awkward silence. While our talk wasn’t very long, we communicated…which has a different meaning than just talking.
When we talk to each other, we find out the things that are ironic: We both used to frequent the 7-11 on Chase and Jamacha in El Cajon. Or how about that we are both Gulls fans. Or that when we were younger we both used to eat raw bacon. (Ok, maybe I should have kept that one private!) We find humor in the same things, and have the same opinions on how children should be raised.
Our communication came in the form of admitting past transgressions, shared tears when I told him I would have to leave. When he grabs my hand while he’s driving just to touch me or when I give him his special smile. We surprisingly read each other well. He’s able to pick up on my moods and I know when he needs to be handled with care.
We’ve been able to speak on the phone a few times, and it amazes me how much we talk and how long our conversations are.
I talked his ear off the other night about being back and he told me all about getting to Hawaii last night. He sent me a picture of a mural that he saw inside the Exchange in Honolulu, because he knew I would like it. And he was right.
Then there's the non-verbal communication. I've been dealing with that since I got back to Missouri.
I'm living with my Uncle Paul (Poppa's youngest brother), Auntie Carolyn, and my two cousins; best cousin Jena and Jake.
When I was hear before Paul and Carolyn's was a safe haven for me. Coming over gave me the opportunity to get away from my grandparents and avoid the long drive to and from the country for work. Paul and Carolyn were the ones that accepted me fully right from the beginning and welcomed me like they had known me all my life.
And now...I feel as though Paul has something to say to me, but won't spit it out. It feels like everyone is walking on egg shells and I can't help but feel like its my fault.
I don't want to be a burden to them, but they want me here; or so they say. I just feel like Paul is always looking at me or on the flip side is avoiding me at all costs.
This is the kind of animosity that scares me the most. This is part of what my nightmare is.
It doesn't help that I feel like my dad is distancing himself from me...that hurts too.
I'm starting to feel depressed....but just as I wrote that line, Will texted me. He manages to pull me out of my funk and put a smile on my face.
Starting a long distance relationship can seem like a daunting and maybe even a foolish thing to do. The thought had crossed my mind that this day might come when I started dating a Navy guy again. I never really thought that I would be the one leaving.
But already, I can see where the good will come in.
Will and I spoke just after I boarded my plane for St. Louis. He actually held up his end of the conversation. That’s kind of a big deal because he isn’t much of a talker. The first phone call we ever had was filler with a lot of silence…awkward silence. While our talk wasn’t very long, we communicated…which has a different meaning than just talking.
When we talk to each other, we find out the things that are ironic: We both used to frequent the 7-11 on Chase and Jamacha in El Cajon. Or how about that we are both Gulls fans. Or that when we were younger we both used to eat raw bacon. (Ok, maybe I should have kept that one private!) We find humor in the same things, and have the same opinions on how children should be raised.
Our communication came in the form of admitting past transgressions, shared tears when I told him I would have to leave. When he grabs my hand while he’s driving just to touch me or when I give him his special smile. We surprisingly read each other well. He’s able to pick up on my moods and I know when he needs to be handled with care.
We’ve been able to speak on the phone a few times, and it amazes me how much we talk and how long our conversations are.
I talked his ear off the other night about being back and he told me all about getting to Hawaii last night. He sent me a picture of a mural that he saw inside the Exchange in Honolulu, because he knew I would like it. And he was right.
Then there's the non-verbal communication. I've been dealing with that since I got back to Missouri.
I'm living with my Uncle Paul (Poppa's youngest brother), Auntie Carolyn, and my two cousins; best cousin Jena and Jake.
When I was hear before Paul and Carolyn's was a safe haven for me. Coming over gave me the opportunity to get away from my grandparents and avoid the long drive to and from the country for work. Paul and Carolyn were the ones that accepted me fully right from the beginning and welcomed me like they had known me all my life.
And now...I feel as though Paul has something to say to me, but won't spit it out. It feels like everyone is walking on egg shells and I can't help but feel like its my fault.
I don't want to be a burden to them, but they want me here; or so they say. I just feel like Paul is always looking at me or on the flip side is avoiding me at all costs.
This is the kind of animosity that scares me the most. This is part of what my nightmare is.
It doesn't help that I feel like my dad is distancing himself from me...that hurts too.
I'm starting to feel depressed....but just as I wrote that line, Will texted me. He manages to pull me out of my funk and put a smile on my face.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
How I wish you were here OR Every time we meet, my heart skips a beat
Dear Will,
The last time I was actually sitting in an airport, I was in Phoenix. I was trying to get back to San Diego. You and I had been up almost all night texting. I remember I had texted you to tell you that I had been thinking about you. And you said the same. It's kinda funny. While I was waiting to to board my plane I told myself to make sure I saw you again and got to know you better. I think I came over that week and we stayed up all night. (Just reminded myself we never finished The Wall...)
I'm not really sure how we ended up spending so much time together, but I don't think I would change it for anything else. I think we did the typical thing people do when they first start dating someone...you spend almost all your time with them. Its not a bad thing, but maybe some distance will be good. Not because either one of us wants to be apart from the other, or because we want to miss each other...but it will give us time to learn that much more about each other.
That sounds like such BS lol.
I have to go to Missouri and do this whole life thing...kinda sucks, but I'm ready to do it. I want to come back a better, more confident person. I hope I will. My dream for several years has been to open my own bakery...maybe I can make that come true. Not there....then I'm stuck there, lol...and nobody wants that. I'm hoping that we try and maybe we make it work. Right now, I think the important thing to focus on is the trying. Everything else will happen naturally.
And since we were so good about taking things slow and not jumping in feet first, we should be fine. =)
I'm so glad that I won those tickets and Johnna jumped at me needing someone to go with. I'm happy that I had to meet a stranger and it turned out to be you.
I miss you already....and that sucks. But I know it will get better. Hopefully, I'll be driving out in a few weeks and we can see each other. Oh, and I'm sorry I was so quiet on the drive this morning...I didn't trust myself to talk to you without crying.
D_O_G misses you too. He says he doesn't want to move to Missouri and wants to visit you. I said we would discuss it.
Take care of yourself. Don go falling down a ladder or stairwell. Be sure to keep up with me...I'll write a lot. And as soon as I get my phone set up and whatnot, you'll get the number.
I don't want to ramble on too much more....don't want you to get bored me when I haven't even left CA!
Talk to you soon.
XOXOXOX
Ausha
The last time I was actually sitting in an airport, I was in Phoenix. I was trying to get back to San Diego. You and I had been up almost all night texting. I remember I had texted you to tell you that I had been thinking about you. And you said the same. It's kinda funny. While I was waiting to to board my plane I told myself to make sure I saw you again and got to know you better. I think I came over that week and we stayed up all night. (Just reminded myself we never finished The Wall...)
I'm not really sure how we ended up spending so much time together, but I don't think I would change it for anything else. I think we did the typical thing people do when they first start dating someone...you spend almost all your time with them. Its not a bad thing, but maybe some distance will be good. Not because either one of us wants to be apart from the other, or because we want to miss each other...but it will give us time to learn that much more about each other.
That sounds like such BS lol.
I have to go to Missouri and do this whole life thing...kinda sucks, but I'm ready to do it. I want to come back a better, more confident person. I hope I will. My dream for several years has been to open my own bakery...maybe I can make that come true. Not there....then I'm stuck there, lol...and nobody wants that. I'm hoping that we try and maybe we make it work. Right now, I think the important thing to focus on is the trying. Everything else will happen naturally.
And since we were so good about taking things slow and not jumping in feet first, we should be fine. =)
I'm so glad that I won those tickets and Johnna jumped at me needing someone to go with. I'm happy that I had to meet a stranger and it turned out to be you.
I miss you already....and that sucks. But I know it will get better. Hopefully, I'll be driving out in a few weeks and we can see each other. Oh, and I'm sorry I was so quiet on the drive this morning...I didn't trust myself to talk to you without crying.
D_O_G misses you too. He says he doesn't want to move to Missouri and wants to visit you. I said we would discuss it.
Take care of yourself. Don go falling down a ladder or stairwell. Be sure to keep up with me...I'll write a lot. And as soon as I get my phone set up and whatnot, you'll get the number.
I don't want to ramble on too much more....don't want you to get bored me when I haven't even left CA!
Talk to you soon.
XOXOXOX
Ausha
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Just let me whisper things,You've never heard before.
Last time I wrote about guilt. I also wrote about opening up and trusting people, along with trusting yourself. What happens when you get to the point that you trust someone enough to open up to them, but you still don't trust yourself enough to say the words?
It's amazing how the things that I'm usually insecure about, haven't actually occurred to me since I've been dating Will. The only reason I had that realization is because I'm insecure about other things.
I told (wrote) Will about Chuck and the miscarriage. We haven't talked about it and I'm not in any hurry to bring it up. I feel like what I needed to let him know, I have. If he has any questions or comments he can make them at any time. Its not something we need to discuss; but I'm not taking it off the table either.
I'm trying to be an open book with him. Sharing my shortcomings and dreams. He's been able to open up to me...and I can't tell you how refreshing that is! It's almost like a luxury to be in a relationship with someone that will open up to you and then not retreat back into a shell.
We have had an amazing month. We spent the past weekend in Laughlin with his roommate, Bill and Bill's GF Johnna; who is a long time friend of mine.
Coming back was hard. I received bad news from Barona (where I had been offered a great job) and learned that I needed to move. All on the same day! Tuesday was spent frantically trying to find a place to stash my stuff (Thank you Jennifer!), contacting my family back in Missouri, and trying to find a place to crash for a few days (still working on that one!).
Telling Will that I would have to leave for real this time was worse than before. Before we were new. Still learning about each other and getting used to being with someone. Now, after spending every possible moment we can together....its understandably rough.
We cried and held each other. If I know him at all, the same things I was thinking were running through his head too.
When will I come back?
Why now?
Can we handle long distance?
How soon will we see each other?
Why now?
Isn't there any way to change this?
That was the bulk of my thoughts yesterday, among other things.
For those of you that know me, I tend to laugh things off and try to use my gift of sarcasm to lighten my burden. I keep making jokes about how there's nothing to do in Missouri. About how small the town is and how we don't even have a Starbucks!
All joking aside...I think we're both devastated.
We're both aware of how difficult long distance relationships can be. He's in the Navy, I've been utterly associated with it.
Over the weekend he said that he didn't like long distance relationships. Hearing that didn't really affect me until Tuesday. When I told him my series of unfortunate events, I capped it off with "And you don't do long distance relationships. So yay for me.".
Luckily, Will just rolled his eyes and hugged me. He had to explain to the crying blonde (go figure) that the last one he was in didn't work out. That we would try, that we could and would make it work.
His orders will change in about a year and he will go back on a boat for about 18 months. And then after another 6 he'll be done.
I only want to be in Missouri for a year. 18 months tops. And if that means that I work and do nothing but work...so be it.
I'm all for admitting that I can't do this here in San Diego. I'm willing to take a step back and be an adult and take charge of being responsible for my own life. And if moving back to Missouri and sticking with a plan of action is the way to accomplish all that, then that's what I'll do.
For right now, I'm enjoying the last few days and nights that Will is on leave. Also trying to find a spare couch that can host me after Sunday so I have someplace safe to be until I can leave next week.
Trying to remain positive. Trying to get plenty of rest and time with the people that come to mean so much to me in such a short amount of time, and trying not to panic.
I think if I can figure out the harder stuff....everything else will hopefully start to fall into place.
It's amazing how the things that I'm usually insecure about, haven't actually occurred to me since I've been dating Will. The only reason I had that realization is because I'm insecure about other things.
I told (wrote) Will about Chuck and the miscarriage. We haven't talked about it and I'm not in any hurry to bring it up. I feel like what I needed to let him know, I have. If he has any questions or comments he can make them at any time. Its not something we need to discuss; but I'm not taking it off the table either.
I'm trying to be an open book with him. Sharing my shortcomings and dreams. He's been able to open up to me...and I can't tell you how refreshing that is! It's almost like a luxury to be in a relationship with someone that will open up to you and then not retreat back into a shell.
We have had an amazing month. We spent the past weekend in Laughlin with his roommate, Bill and Bill's GF Johnna; who is a long time friend of mine.
Coming back was hard. I received bad news from Barona (where I had been offered a great job) and learned that I needed to move. All on the same day! Tuesday was spent frantically trying to find a place to stash my stuff (Thank you Jennifer!), contacting my family back in Missouri, and trying to find a place to crash for a few days (still working on that one!).
Telling Will that I would have to leave for real this time was worse than before. Before we were new. Still learning about each other and getting used to being with someone. Now, after spending every possible moment we can together....its understandably rough.
We cried and held each other. If I know him at all, the same things I was thinking were running through his head too.
When will I come back?
Why now?
Can we handle long distance?
How soon will we see each other?
Why now?
Isn't there any way to change this?
That was the bulk of my thoughts yesterday, among other things.
For those of you that know me, I tend to laugh things off and try to use my gift of sarcasm to lighten my burden. I keep making jokes about how there's nothing to do in Missouri. About how small the town is and how we don't even have a Starbucks!
All joking aside...I think we're both devastated.
We're both aware of how difficult long distance relationships can be. He's in the Navy, I've been utterly associated with it.
Over the weekend he said that he didn't like long distance relationships. Hearing that didn't really affect me until Tuesday. When I told him my series of unfortunate events, I capped it off with "And you don't do long distance relationships. So yay for me.".
Luckily, Will just rolled his eyes and hugged me. He had to explain to the crying blonde (go figure) that the last one he was in didn't work out. That we would try, that we could and would make it work.
His orders will change in about a year and he will go back on a boat for about 18 months. And then after another 6 he'll be done.
I only want to be in Missouri for a year. 18 months tops. And if that means that I work and do nothing but work...so be it.
I'm all for admitting that I can't do this here in San Diego. I'm willing to take a step back and be an adult and take charge of being responsible for my own life. And if moving back to Missouri and sticking with a plan of action is the way to accomplish all that, then that's what I'll do.
For right now, I'm enjoying the last few days and nights that Will is on leave. Also trying to find a spare couch that can host me after Sunday so I have someplace safe to be until I can leave next week.
Trying to remain positive. Trying to get plenty of rest and time with the people that come to mean so much to me in such a short amount of time, and trying not to panic.
I think if I can figure out the harder stuff....everything else will hopefully start to fall into place.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise, For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins...
Guilt is a fascinating emotion.
Webster's definition: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/guilt
I think many different points in every one's life, guilt has been an overriding emotion. Guilt for a white told to a friend to spare their feelings to outright deceiving someone intentionally.
Lies are not the only form a deceit. I personally am a believer that omission of facts is the same as lying. I also believe that most people can't handle the truth...even when they say they can.
This entry today isn't me coming clean about anything. Frankly, I have nothing to come clean about. But over the last few weeks, I've been having some...thought provoking conversations with a person that I once thought of as my best friend.
While I still consider this person a friend, I unfortunately cannot see them the same way.
That's not the point, the point is...playing devil's advocate with people that you have been intimately acquainted with is a dangerous game.
I'm dating a guy that I honestly feel like I can talk to and be open with...but it's still new enough that there are so many issues(UGH) or subjects that aren't really appropriate yet.
How and when do you determine when to let someone go a confidant (I use that term very liberally) and learning to entrust someone new.
And isn't it all about learning to trust yourself too? I think I've come to learn that a big factor in trusting another is being able to trust yourself.
But how do you trust yourself when you deal with guilt? Or, worse yet...how do you trust yourself when you don't feel guilt?
While every one deals with guilt...I think there is an equal amount of time when we don't feel guilty...even though we know deep down whatever we said or did was wrong.
My biggest issue that I have right now in my personal life is realizing that I trust myself enough to let someone in all the way. How do I know that when I open up and begin to explain things that have happened to me or things that I have experienced that I won't be rejected. Or not rejected, but looked upon with pity or remorse.
I don't want or need anyone else's pity. Its just not necessary.
Mistakes and guilt tend to go hand in hand. Should I feel guilt for the mistakes that I have made in my life? No. Mostly because I don't see mistakes, I see learning experiences.
I will not allow myself to be judged by the things that have been blips in my timeline...not all of them define me. In fact, a huge portion of them do not.
Too many times we let things in our past hold us back. They keep us from living life to its fullest, giving people and relationships a chance, and being the best version of ourselves that we want.
I only want a few things in my life: to be happy, to be successful, that my friends and family are happy and content. I want to eventually open my own bakery, to eventually get married and have the option of having children. Those are things that I want for my life. Those are the things most people want for their lives.
So, how do I bring myself up to the point where I let the someone special know that I want to let them in. When is it OK to become so trusting of myself and them?
Too many conversations and too little sleep makes for some rough feelings and a lot of confusion.
Webster's definition: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/guilt
I think many different points in every one's life, guilt has been an overriding emotion. Guilt for a white told to a friend to spare their feelings to outright deceiving someone intentionally.
Lies are not the only form a deceit. I personally am a believer that omission of facts is the same as lying. I also believe that most people can't handle the truth...even when they say they can.
This entry today isn't me coming clean about anything. Frankly, I have nothing to come clean about. But over the last few weeks, I've been having some...thought provoking conversations with a person that I once thought of as my best friend.
While I still consider this person a friend, I unfortunately cannot see them the same way.
That's not the point, the point is...playing devil's advocate with people that you have been intimately acquainted with is a dangerous game.
I'm dating a guy that I honestly feel like I can talk to and be open with...but it's still new enough that there are so many issues(UGH) or subjects that aren't really appropriate yet.
How and when do you determine when to let someone go a confidant (I use that term very liberally) and learning to entrust someone new.
And isn't it all about learning to trust yourself too? I think I've come to learn that a big factor in trusting another is being able to trust yourself.
But how do you trust yourself when you deal with guilt? Or, worse yet...how do you trust yourself when you don't feel guilt?
While every one deals with guilt...I think there is an equal amount of time when we don't feel guilty...even though we know deep down whatever we said or did was wrong.
My biggest issue that I have right now in my personal life is realizing that I trust myself enough to let someone in all the way. How do I know that when I open up and begin to explain things that have happened to me or things that I have experienced that I won't be rejected. Or not rejected, but looked upon with pity or remorse.
I don't want or need anyone else's pity. Its just not necessary.
Mistakes and guilt tend to go hand in hand. Should I feel guilt for the mistakes that I have made in my life? No. Mostly because I don't see mistakes, I see learning experiences.
I will not allow myself to be judged by the things that have been blips in my timeline...not all of them define me. In fact, a huge portion of them do not.
Too many times we let things in our past hold us back. They keep us from living life to its fullest, giving people and relationships a chance, and being the best version of ourselves that we want.
I only want a few things in my life: to be happy, to be successful, that my friends and family are happy and content. I want to eventually open my own bakery, to eventually get married and have the option of having children. Those are things that I want for my life. Those are the things most people want for their lives.
So, how do I bring myself up to the point where I let the someone special know that I want to let them in. When is it OK to become so trusting of myself and them?
Too many conversations and too little sleep makes for some rough feelings and a lot of confusion.
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