Blinded misguided in the arms of love, just 'cause it suited the both of us...

(My Biggest Mistake by Delat Goodrem)


This is going to be by far my girliest blog...also, probably the most whiny.

I can't help it.

Let me see if I can break this down in a clear and concise way. Here we go...

7 years ago I met Erik. We used to hang out and got to be friends. I always kind of had a crush on him, but because of my fear of rejection...I never pursued it.

We lost touch for a while and then 3 years ago we got back in touch and hung out some more. We spent a New Year's together one year.

Then of course, we drifted. He did his thing; I did mine.

We recently got back to talking while I was still in Missouri. I made a comment at some point asking why we had never dated. We talked about it, and decided that when I came back...either to visit or when I moved back we would give it try.

Honestly, things escalated as much as they could with us being 2000 miles apart and he told me that I was the only one he wanted and he would wait for me.

When I made the decision to move back, albeit hastily, he told me to come move in with him until things got figured out. He told me he didn't care about anything else, and I shouldn't feel weird because he just wanted to be with me.

AWWWWW. We can all agree that that is freaking adorable.

Reality check.

A month ago (exactly) Erik suggested that I go out and see some friends...have some fun. He told me he was going to hang out with his brother and some friends.

Great idea. We'd been a lottle wrapped up in each other basically since I moved back. (Lottle is not a typo...I like to make up words. Deal with it!)

I mad plans. A friend and I went out, had dinner and were heading to play laser tag in San Diego when his brother called him telling him that he was about to be an Uncle. Of course he was going to take me home and go to the hospital. I don't blame him for that.

I came home to find Erik, surprsingly, asleep on the couch. I told him what had happened, but I was having such a good time seeing friends that I was going back out.

He gotin the shower while I was waiting to get picked up. I left and a girlfriend and I went to get a drink. We decide we want to go dancing...but there really isn't anywhere to dance in Escondido.

No problem, we'll go downtown. I want to go home and change my shoes. (I had on my trainers.)

I unlock the door and walk in to a dark aparmtment, but thinkI hear something. I'm trying to adjust to the darkness when some girl walks out of the bedroom and then immediately back in.
I hear her say, "She's back." And then a lot of rustling around.

I don't even know what to do, so I slam the door shut behind me and go to my friends car.

I tell her what just happened and to just wait a few minutes until I figure something out. She agrees and tells me to pack a bag and come stay at her place for the night.

As I'm walking back to the apartment, I see her walking out. She's power walking and texting. I assume it was with Erik. I walk up to where the corner of the patio is and Erik walks out.

"What's up?" he asks. "I just came to get a different pair of shoes. What's going on?" I respond
"Nothing." Cue my eye roll. "Really?" I ask. "I'm sorry." (Note: the apology came out more like a question mixed with annoyance at having to say it.) "Sorry for what?" "Nothing happened." He says. "If nothing happend, why did you apologize?" I think its a great question.

There on the porch he tells me that yes, they've slept together in the past. And no, nothing happened...but that was basically the plan.

Then he wants to go inside and talk about it. I go willingly, because I assume it's going to be good.

He tells me that he doesn't understand why he cheats on all of his girlfriends. (Wow, did not know that about him.) He just isn't happy and maybe we moved way too fast. (That part I can agree with 100%)

It should be noted that I got misty eyed, but a tear never fell. Not until later. I said I didn't understand why he didn't just say something.

I can be the most understanding person, to a fault. I literally have had people tell me its my best and worst quality. I say you should have just told me you weren't happy. Frankly, I don't care if you want to sleep (Used a much cruder word here) with other people, you should have said something. I would have understood.

I also told him that while yes, I was hurt, I wasn't surprised. I then proceeded to tell him that every man I have been with in my adult years...and hell, even TJ in high school, has cheated on me.

I explain to him that I must give off some vibe that makes guys want to stray. He hugs me ( I barely hugged back) and tells me that its not me, because I'm blah blah blah.

I tell him I need a minute. I go outside and tell my gf that I'm going to stay. I need to talk this out; that this isn't something I can walk away from. This is the sort of confrontation I avoid, and frankly there's no better time than the present to deal with it.

I go back in and we don't really talk about it much anymore. I try to talk to him about why he's unhappy. We both smoke a cigarette and then I go take a shower because I feel dirty.
(He probably texted the hoe while I was doing that. Who knows?)

We sit down to watch a movie. I sit next to him and he wraps his arm around me, but I can't relax. I'm pretty sure I blacked out halfway through the movie because I didn't understand where the plot had gone. That was when I realized I had been crying the whole time.

He's apologizing profusly, which is great, but it never felt sincere. We go to bed. Wrapped up in each other all night long. We get up in the morning and what happens?

He tried ot have wake up time morning sex with me! To his credit, I think he was trying to "make love" to me, but I just wasn't having it.

However, we ended up in the shower together and things got heated and like they say in Mamma Mia: dot dot dot.

We gon on for a few days. He knows I'm more disappointed than anything. I know he's regretful, but I can't seem to get past the notion that it wouldn't have phased him had I not found out.

Now here we are, supposedly in an "open realtionship" that I hate. Mostly because I know I'm better than this.

Another issue I have is that I know he's texting other girls. How do I know this you ask?

I'm not a fucking idiot. You want to text someone, but you turn the volume all the way down...so much that it doesn't even vibrate? When you're in a completely different room? No.

I have enough experience with cheaters and cell phones to know and recognize the signs. I asked him for one thing: Not to have sex with anyone else while I was still living with him.

I have no idea if he's adhered to that. He promised me he would, but he also told me he wanted to be with me. Go figure why I'm not sure how to feel about it.

The biggest problem is that he's so damn great all the rest of the time! We have good times together. He's always there trying to get me to talk to him, even when I don't want to. He genuinely cares about how I'm doing and how my day was.

He's charming and funny, which for me is a big deal. He's a great guy, just a little lost.

And I still have feelings for him. I can't get past it. I see so much good and potential in him to be even more amazing than he already is! If he wold believe me and all his friends when we tell him this, maybe he would have the courage to do more!

So, this is the hell that I've basically been living in for the last, jesus, almost 2 months. I can't bring myself to just say that I'm through with him and I can't bring myself to hash out the rest of it.

I can apparently text him and tell him how much I care about him. But, then not bring it up when we both agree we need to talk about it.

I'm a freaking winner. I feel like shit because I have other things that I should be focusing on, but this "incident" or "awkwardness" as we generally refer to it, is still plaguing me.