Things, they are a changin'

Have you ever felt like you had all the space in the world, but you still couldn't breathe? I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I think that's a result of being out of work since March. Maybe it comes from not feeling equal to anyone else during these 5 months. I'm not sure. You all know that I'm not much of a crier. But, even I reach a point when I can't hold it inside any longer. Today has been that day. I should be really happy right now. And I am. I got a job offer yesterday! Yay for me! Its not the greatest or best paying job, but its a job...and one the I will enjoy doing. With people, that I can already tell will become great friends. But, it doesn't get rid of the sense dread that I feel. I feel like I have alienated people who are closest to me. That I have let my loner ways overcome me and not let me grow and become a good friend or girlfriend or family member. You know when you go through periods of life when EVERYTHING is going wrong? You so desperately want to change them and make them right, but you either can't see how to do it or you feel like you just aren't strong enough to succeed. Its like I'm incapable of making anything right at the moment. If I was an idiot, suicide would be a thought. And, no folks, I am not suicidal...I'm just making a point. I've known people that have described this exact feeling and they felt so trapped that they truly felt that was their only escape. I don't believe that, and I hope I never will. Its not even that I feel trapped, because I don't. I love the life that I have right now. The friends that I still have and the little family that I have created are the best things I have ever been a part of. I just wish I knew how to make it an oiled machine. How to take 50% emotion out of it and replace that with 50% logic. I wish that it was easier to speak these things than it is to write them. I wish I didn't feel like everything that's wrong is always my fault. I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I do. Its just who I am. I want to change it, because its awful. But, I haven't been able to do it so far, and I wonder if I ever will.

I know that that way of thinking frustrates some people; it frustrates me too! To second guess yourself is infuriating. It doesn't happen all the time, but its enough that it drives me crazy.

Second guessing is like living in limbo. I can't live that way. I hate conversational limbo, I even hate the Limbo game. when you bring limbo into your life, its inviting you to second guess every decision you've made up until this point. That point being when you put yourself in limbo. Conversational limbo is the worst. You have a "talk" with someone and for some reason you have to stop and come back to it...without some serious decisions or topics broached. You've just put yourself in limbo. Limbo is the reason that people get quiet with each other. Its because we're thinking of all the ways things could be different. When we think of these things, we should discuss them and get ourselves out of limbo. But, then you run into the regret factor. Sometimes, we all do it, we say something in anger or frustration that we immediately regret. I know I have. How do we go back from there? I had a friend when I was 16, she was 15...too young to understand her wisdom, that if you didn't really mean something, you would never say it. but we do it all the time, don't we? I'm not trying to excuse myself, but I know that sometimes I do it because I don't know how else to put my feelings into words.

Jeez, what is my point here? I'm not even sure right now. I'm sad and frustrated, so this is it for today. That's all.