It's only natural to feel like you're sinking, It's only human to be so unprepared

Last night I had dinner with a dear friend from high school; a friend that is one of a few select people that I'm choosing to make an effort to keep in touch with.

And isn't that interesting? I have to choose to make an effort. I honestly believe that for many people, putting forth the effort is a thing that naturally...well, comes naturally. And for a lot of people like me, putting forth that effort is something that has to be chosen to do...it doesn't come naturally.

Of course there are some certain things that come naturally to people like me.

For instance....I'm awesome all the time.

No, I'm really not. I'm pretty awesome most of the time, but that's about it.

To get back on point, people with insecurities like mine, things like this take a conscience effort. And its hard and challenging.

But, when the fruit of that effort is there in front of you...it is so rewarding. Sitting at dinner last night, I felt like I had accomplished something huge; like a weight was lifted.

And understanding that I have these difficulties...actually makes life easier for me. Acknowledging that I have some minor anxiety issues makes it possible for me to look at simple everyday interactions, and know that I can get through them.

Last Sunday is a pretty shinning example. I went to church. A place where I grew up and knew people loved me and cared about me.

And I panicked. I almost didn't get out of the truck to go inside. And then once I was there, I just wanted to sit in the back and hide myself. I enjoyed seeing people and quickly catching up here and there. But I had this feeling like I was going to say something awkward or do something borderline inappropriate...and I did.

Several people I know and have been close with the better half of my life are pregnant. Something that is silently plaguing me. And what do I say to a happy new Grandma to be? Something along the lines of "I'm happy for you, but I'm not and you suck."

OK, maybe not that mean and snarky...but close enough to the point. And then I made out of there like a bat out of hell.

But when I got home, and I told Will about it, I started to realize that don't have to let this control me...I can control it.

I have joked before about my husband ( I love you baby!) being somewhat of a social retard.(No offense) Or at least that used to be how I saw him. He was at a point where he didn't really interact with people much outside of work; was incredibly quiet around people and me when we first started seeing each other.

I had the pleasure of watching him interact with two people that he had only met one other time. Talking and laughing and enjoying himself.

And a week later when I start to talk to him about my concerns about being socially retarded myself; I'm encouraged by him.That he often feels like he doesn't know what to say, or how to act; that we get verbal diarrhea Sometimes he wishes he could take back something he said or did.

But the thing to keep in mind is that while we can't always control every little detail, we keep in mind that the little details don't control us either. Things don't have to be as difficult as we make them out to be. Maybe sometimes when people say things that we feel are rude, or inappropriate...maybe they have verbal diarrhea too.